Saturday, November 25, 2006
13 Years Ago
It has been 13 years since my mom lost her battle to cancer. I was only 12 then, yet, I felt so old. After being around my very sick mom for 10 months, her death felt like I was shifted to and from reality all in one breath.
The experience of losing a parent so early in life changed me in many ways. I have learned to become more independent, street smart, resilient and mature. Yet, I know that having to experience that at such a young age, robbed me of certain givens that "normal" people usually experience. While girls at 13 were worrying about boys and zits, I was always contemplating about finding the purpose behind her death. I never had those fights that mothers and daughters usually have during girls' transition to womanhood. I mean, I just had to think and act differently because life was indescribably real at that time. I was not miserable though. I just felt that at that time, my thought processes were a bit more advanced than my peers.
I know that I have become a better person because of the experience. But I am also aware that there are certain highlights in my life that were and will always feel a bit empty -- high school and college graduations, birthdays, wedding anniversaries, etc.
No matter, I know that in the 12 years that she was with me, she has made me feel like the most loved girl in the world. And until this day, I hold on to that. I would not be who I am if not for the security I felt when she was still around.
Thank you Mama for being in my life. One day, I will write a more fitting tribute for you. :)
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Sorry...Soon!
Sorry for the delayed postings! I have been very, very busy because of our national conference and all the other thingamajig that comes with it. I promise to post something very, very soon!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Daydreamer
If there is one thing that people don't know about me, it is that I daydream a lot. I daydream about practically anything, from working in the MC to being a global phenomenon. :) Surprisingly, around 75% of the things I daydream about come true. I have read theories that it is because your subconscious gets so convinced that these visions are real that your conscious attracts opportunities espcially for you. :)
Lately, I have been daydreaming about opening a business. I know that this is partly coming true through So Shirt! (my business with Janne) but still So Shirt is only part of a bigger dream. :)
Armed with this dream, I have enthusiastically told some people of my plans. Luckily for me, there are people in my life who are constant in their support for me. They provide constructive feedback, help me get my act together and spend time to make sure I get on my feet. Such is the case with my French friend, Sandrine. :)
Sandrine and I met on my first day in Finland. She was in the center and I was brought to the center. She was already very welcoming in the beginning and I distinctly remember her telling me the list of Finnish words she knew as a joke about her fluency in Finnish. Afterwards, we spent quite some time going out on weekends to party and have some fun. We used to talk about guys a lot. :) Maybe because I always brought up the topic. :)
Timing though was not our greatest friend. As I was beginning to settle into Finland, she was beginning to move out of it to finish her studies. I still have glimpses of her farewell party where she tearily thanked everyone there and gratefully accepted the Suomi shirt that people chipped in for as her souvenir. :)
But as in any friendship with people I value, we kept in touch (mainly through MSN). The conversations we have had there spanned from random "how are you's" to more interesting stories about our lovelives and work. It was during this time that I allowed Sandrine to see the more vulnerable part of me while I shared my dilemmas and fears. Thankfully, she was patient enough to listen and give me sound advice.
And this patience has stretched to over the past few days. I was excitedly telling her of my plans and she readily extended a hand. I will not be very open about what exactly the plans are as of yet. They are not even on the drawing board yet. Nevertheless, she has shown extreme patience in providing me the information I need. Plus, she provided that extra hope I need to push for that dream. :)
I think this speaks a lot about Sandrine. She has a very kind heart and does not turn her back on people. She is easy to get along with and makes her friends feel really special. Her presence in my life has shown me that true friendships can be formed even in the shortest of time. She has made me reaffirm my belief that the world is full of good people. :)
I am really glad that fate has found a way to make our paths cross. I have always daydreamed of having a great friend from France (no kidding) and I am glad that it has come true. :)
Monday, November 13, 2006
Shell Shocked
I mentioned very briefly about my "washing machine accident" on my blog a few months back. That incident caused me to move around 3 flats for a span of 2 months. Just as I was about to feel at home again, the bill for the repairs came. The amount is no small amount. It is enough for me to want to run away and hide myself in the jungles of never-neverland.
But, running away to never-neverland is not an option. The easiest solution admittedly is to hide, "start anew" and put the whole incident in the recesses of my unconscious. However, I don't think I can. Not just because of my personal resilience but also because I just cannot.
Not only can I not turn my back from my obligations as MCP, I also cannot suddenly forget my belief that everything in life is a learning experience.
I know one day I will all credit this to experience and proudly look back at how I handled the situation. But today, I allow myself to be shell-shocked as I find ways to flatten this bump on my road.
I know the solutions are just waiting to be discovered. Until then though, I know I have learned my lesson not only about washing machines but also about facing my own mistakes. Pretty soon, I will also add an extra snippet of wisdom about forgiving myself. :)
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P.S. I know it has been a long time since I celebrated someone in my life. But as my blog heading says, this is all about celebrating learnings in my life everyday. :) I felt I needed to explain but don't worry, more people will come. :)
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Triple Flip, Triple Toe!
Last Friday, I bought a pair of ice skates. I bought it because I wanted to have some sort of a hobby and a physical activity. I am also a huge fan of skating. I like watching it so much that I said to myself that I should also skate. :) It is a fun way of exercising.
When I was 12, I actually enrolled in ice skating lessons in the Philippines. It was more of a fad back then because it was the first time a rink was built there. I became quite okay with it but I never did really well because I was so afraid to fall. I never took the risk of practicing edges, spins or jumps. So, as my friends progressed to become better skaters, I just remained as I was -- good but not quite. The stupid thing was instead of trying and pushing myself to try the tricks, I just quit.
That is why I have this unexplainable obssession with watching ice skaters. :) I just admire them for having the courage to go out there and try even though the ice is slippery and nothing is predictable.
But my admiration for skaters goes beyond their ability to jump or spin or dance on ice. By watching them, I actually saw that those who had genuine love for the sport always had a place on the podium. :) Those who competed just to get a medal often fall short.
I have also seen so many skaters fall and get up so fast. Though I sometimes shake my head in sadness because of their falls, I cannot help but wonder how brave they actually are to stand up and see their programs to their ends. It is really inspiring to see that inspite of that one mistake, they are able to move on, skate their best and hope that the overall presentation would overshadow the mistake.
I am really grateful for ice skating. :) I am grateful because some of life's lessons which I hold dear to me were taught just by watching these people dedicate so much of themselves for those 10 minutes on ice. :)
I am quite sure my body cannot handle all those triple jumps, but one thing is certain, this time around, I will enjoy the skating and won't be afraid to fall. :) After all the fun is in getting up and moving on.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
A Second Reflection on Chickens
I am really ready to take more risks!
I finally solved the mystery of what has been keeping me a bit down inspite of my constant optimism. It was fear holding me back most of the time. We live in a society where failure is looked down upon. But why do people frown at it so much? Isn't trying and failing in the process better than not trying at all?
This constant fear is not just about "the big decisions." Being afraid cascades in everything we do. From not saying no to people just because we are afraid of offending them to not going for what you really, really want because of unwarranted fear. If you add all these together, it becomes one big hairball of insecurity and unhappiness. That my friend, is in itself, failing to live.
I would rather fail at small things than fail to live my life that is ultimately very blessed. :)
So there you go. I am ready to take more risks in everything I do. :) You won't hear any more cluck, cluck (as in a chicken) from me. Haha!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
The Chicken Effect
I have been reading The Medici Effect for the last two days. This book is one of those that makes me want to go out and change my way of living in a snap. But I never do anything about the ideas that circle my brain. Sadly, after I close any "life-changing" book, I just go on with my normal ways. I don't even bother to stop and write down my ideas.
I don't know if I lack the attention span or the will but somehow there are a lot of ideas implanted on my head that remain that -- ideas, dreams, visions. I just never do anything about the things I say I will do 50% of the time. Maybe it is because 50% of the time, I am afraid of failing. So ultimately, I make choices that make "more sense." But if I allowed myself to dig deeper into why I made those choices, it was because I was just one big chicken. :)
However, the remaining 50% where I took the risk and succeeded or failed, I felt so much better, more alive and a lot wiser. The pain of "failing" does sting but it is the kind of sting that heals after a few beers, good company, loads of movies and time. :)
After experiences of failure, I have always found that new opportunities spring up. Maybe it's because people realize I exist or maybe it's because of luck. I would like to believe though that it was because after risking and failing, I became more bold in exploring new opportunities. Everything does happen for a reason. It just takes time for reason to overtake your emotions. :) Oh as an added bonus of risking, I always sound so wise in front of my friends. Haha! :)
The victory brought upon by taking that risk feels so much better than predictable success. What good is that kind of success? Predictable success does add extra glitter to my name. However, it does not add anything to my character. If anything, it makes me feel listless and empty.
The scar etched on me by my lack of courage and lack of trust in my capacity to get over failure, can never really be forgotten. Ironically, I forget the times I failed but I always remember the times I did not try.
So, now I am ready to take more risks. In fact, I will start now. :) For at the risk of sounding like an ageing grandma (hehe), I would like to tell you that life will always feel half-lived until you have taken those risks you were always meant to take. :)
