Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Missing Mama
Last Sunday, I was watching a string of shows where there was a mom taking care of as well as aruguing with her daughters. As I watched these characters banter with their moms, I began to wonder how much I actually missed for not having a mom around to see me grow up.
Mama and I were very close. I slept beside her until she started getting sick. I was a constant hang-around at her work and I was her loyal sidekick whenever she shopped, travelled and visited our relatives. My weekend memories from when I was 8 until I was 12 were filled with her. She always seemed happy and upbeat but somehow I also knew that there were things bothering her though I really could not spell out what they were.
On the morning before she died, I remember feeling very lethargic. Rain was pouring heavily outside and it was quite cold. People in her room called me in and told me to sit there to be with my mom. She held my hand. A few minutes later, she began to struggle for every breath. The fight to survive was a long one. She put on a fight until her final breath. And as she did, no matter how much I saw, I could not believe that this was the reality I was supposed to live in - a life without a mom.
I would not go about here writing how much it sucks not to have a mom while growing up. Frankly, I do not know what it is like. I do not know how it is to break up for the first time and have your mom stroke your hair. I don't know how it feels to be a teenager going to pub and lying through your teeth about it once you are home. I don't know how it is to graduate from the university with a mom looking on. I just don't know. I just know that there are certain moments meant to be shared with one's mother that I will never get to have -- engagements, weddings, first child, etc.
Right now though, as I write this entry, I feel a certain pang of envy for people who still have a mom to call on their toughest or happiest days. Today, I just miss Mama. I miss her laughter, her presence, her generosity, her love. I know that somewhere up there, she misses me too.
2 comments:
Hugs,
Annika
why can't I ever be around to give hugs when needed?!
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