Sunday, March 18, 2007
Relearning Finland
Last Thursday, I woke up with the most excruciating headache, the worst cough, a fever and muscle pain. Yes, I was officially down with the flu. So bad was the flu that I could not do anything except to send some SMS to friends and colleagues I could not meet.
And so the battle to be well began. As I slept on and off the whole day, I realized that I was alone in this whole ordeal. I mean, sure it was JUST a flu but coming from a country like the Philippines this was an experience! In my country, even when I just got regular menstrual cramps (sorry boys, hehe) I would be doted on like a baby! I remember when I had a flu, I just had to lie down in bed and everything would be taken cared of! I did not even need to keep track when I should drink my medicines because it would be handed to me on the dot. So being alone again, while sick, made me feel a bit needy for attention, as if wanting to relive the days past. :)
On Friday, I did not feel that much better (though the fever was down). So I wanted to be a baby (hehe) and asked a friend if he can come over and hang out. He said, he might but he is quite busy and my house is too far away. Imagine my disappointment! I felt rejected and embarassed! As I put down the phone, I realized something that I have taken for granted already -- cultural differences.
For someone who has lived in Finland for almost three years non-stop, I assumed I was into the culture but I realized I am not yet. A part of me will always be Filipino. :) Last night Annika and I had this whole discussion about how different it is to be a Finnish friend and a Filipino friend. For example, she said she did not visit me last Thursday though she knew I might have needed the company because she had a mentoring meeting. If the same thing happened to her, I would have cancelled the meeting and visited her. The same goes for Janne whom I asked if I can visit him on the weekend (because I was sad and needed to be away from Helsinki). He said for sure I can but preferably not this weekend because he had three exams. Though I was not hurt, that really stopped me. For me, it would have been so natural to cancel or adjust everything if you have for a friend in need.
I was talking to Chris Evatt about how he met a Filipino woman in a German train station and how lovely she was. He was laughing at how she invited him to eat at her place and visit her at anytime. That is what I think describes our culture. It is a culture that thrives on taking care of each other. For example, when I was in Paris, I met a Filipino lady around 7 hours before my train to Amsterdam. We talked for 30 minutes and I ended up eating the best Filipino food at her place where we chit-chatted about her marital problems, her illegal status as an immigrant, etc. This is just further evidence that our culture is just 100% open to care for people and share what we have for them. :)
So I guess, this is why sometimes I am misinterpreted as too much or I feel people care too little. For me, caring should be shown in so obvious ways that it sucks not to have it here (sometimes). For example, if I asked a friend to come meet me for coffee and she said "I cannot, I am working." (According to Annika) The natural reaction of a Finn would be not to SMS back because sending a message with an "Okay" is pretty useless and that a non-reply is anyway a sign that you are alright with it. But for me, in order to make the other person feel that I understand, I need to reply something! It is just how I am. I feel the need to communicate and to show affection.
Back at home, my best friends and I would SMS about anything and everything that can exist on this world. Sometimes, we would just see a nice pair of shoes and we would immediately let each other know or when one watched a movie, an instant personal review would go right into my phone inbox. There were even messages about how meetings have gone, etc. We practically knew each other's schedules by heart. Does this mean we are too much in each other's lives? Nope. For us it was natural. :)
I am not saying Finns are uncaring! Au contraire! I think Finns are the truest friends one can have in the entire world. They stick by you through thick and thin. They tell you honestly when you are doing well and when you are being a brat. They love you for who you are and who you will become. I LOVE THEM! :)
So now I am once again re-learning Finnish culture, hehe. I think I actually have the best of both worlds. I can show people I care for them while at the same time seeing the value of personal space. I was just discussing with Annika, that maybe in Finland, I seem to "care too much" but I am sure when I come back home, I will be seen as a bit cold and disrespectful because I have become too honest with no frills and I have also seen a lot of value of having my own space.
What amazes me now is how I missed all of these things the last months. I already knew this but somehow I forgot everything. I guess it is true that whatever lessons you hold up your sleeve, sometimes, you really need to re-learn it for it to stick around. :)
Moreover, as much as I need to re-learn lessons in life, I need to constantly re-learn myself and the people around me. I need to be able to facilitate these learning points so that I get the most of the friendships I have and the friendships I am bound to have. I can only imagine when I am back at home how much a shock and hurt it would be for any friend to get "rejected" by me if I say, "I am not in the mood so I cannot meet you!" :)
I don't want to lose that ability to show I care for people though. It's who I am. I just think, as in anything, I need to learn the fine art of balancing. ;)
Cheers to you all!
----
Thank you to Annika for allowing me to invade her space and letting me bother her for two days in a row. Hugs! :)
Coffee talk on the topic tomorrow, Monday, 18:00 at Wayne's in Aleksanterinkatu. If you are in Helsinki, you are more welcome to join.
7 comments:
Hey Erica,
You've captured in one post, what I've found so difficult to describe for most of my life about being part Finnish and part Australian. How do you explain to others the need for personal space on one hand and the desire to come across as naturally friendly, warm and welcoming on another?
Having been physically sick here (mostly from food poisioning or the dreaded Beijing flu) and being away from home I know it really makes you stop and think about the culutural differences - partially because you have so much time too and it's also when you feel most vulnerable.
Thank you for being so open as always.
What can I say, I feel a bit ashemed of beeing one "not allways so caring" Finn, but at the same time I know that it is really something cultural and cultural things are not to be judged by comparing them with something that happends in an other culture.
Just to open one other point of view... maybe this kind of warm hearted caring is more family-stuff in Finland. Those who are lucky enough to live togeather with somebody (parents, girl/boyfriend, husbend/wife) are not left alone in need.
As I'm single, mostly living alone I do feel a bit lonely sometimes even if I have very many good friends. It's just because of the fact that I would like too have more spontanious meetings and communication with my friends just as in Brazil or Mexico! Here it is very unlikely that anybody gets their as off from their pre-scheduled work, studies, hobbies etc. just when I happend to call them. At the same time when I damn this I notice, that I act pretty much the same way. Just to confirm the last... I have scheduled an other meeting for today 18.00 and I'm not going to cancel it even though I could and maybe should.
Hey Jogi,
I did not mean Finns are not caring. You are! We just show it in different ways. :)
Hugs,
Erica
Hi Erica,
You are right about the cultural differences, e.g. Asian and Finnish cultures are very much different. There is also other factors besides the cultural ones like strength of friendships, personalities and friendship priorities, but let's leave those out of the equation.
My observations so far, Asian vs Finnish
Asian
-group animals, sharing same friends in a big group
-feeling the strong social norm of caring one and other (e.g. if your friend is sick, bring him/her Chicken soup)
-feeling the social norm of "having everything ok" (e.g. rather not reveal personal problems like domestic issues, job loss etc)
-not having moody feelings or depression per se (e.g. if not feeling happy, then entertain oneself in instead of turning into an unfunctional person)
Finnish
-individuals mostly, group animals occationally (e.g. not wanting to see each other everyday unless you are still a school kid)
-do not want to bother other people (e.g. you can see it from the high developed self-service culture)
-do not want people to bother them unless it is some serious matter (I don't know why, because of the first one?)
-can be quite open on personal, difficult matters
-clear boundaries between friend groups (e.g. mixing friends is a bad idea)
-effectively prioritise personal relationships, e.g. thinking separately how to invest and maintain the relationships with the best friend(s)
It is very different indeed, but it doesn't mean that one is better than another.
Actually I used to ask everytime, if I know my friend is sick, whether she/he would want me to bring something and visit. Now I don't ask it anymore, because everytime the answer is "no need to", people in Finland just want to be sick alone. Hopefully this info would cheer you up, it is nothing personal, just cultural *wink*
YC
Hello YC,
I was not really sad about it. I actually liked the experience since it made me re-realize these things. :) I know it is nothing personal, that is for sure!
Erica
I don't know whether it is good or bad, but nowadays Finns are very career-minded persons. Seriously, how many of us would cancel a meeting because friend is having a flu? Probably nobody. That's just as you said that we often prioritize our career before our personal life. That surely is the reason why our economy is growing, but maybe we should also think about personal wellbeing sometimes.
When you combine career-minded people with a very individualistic culture this is what you get. You choose your friends based on your own wellbeing. If a friend doesn't add any value to your life, is it worth being a friend? Luckily most of the world don't think as rationally as we do...otherwise burn-out would be the new aids on this planet. :)
What I'm trying to say is that if you're seriously sick, there will be someone to cancel his/her meeting and bring you food so that you won't die. Don't worry, we do care, but not probably as much as in many other countries. If you're a child, your family does pamper you if you're sick in Finland, but when you grow up (that is very early in Finland) you are somehow expected to take care of yourself, and that's why we have to learn to live very independently.
I just cannot not reply friendship being my #1 value and me being in Asia.
I don't know if it's because of me being a Finn or Sri Lankans being Sri Lankans but I find it very hard imagining that one of them could be as great friend to me as my best friends in Finland (including the ones not born there).
If a Finn is like a coconut (hard to break to see inside), these guys are like papayas: You dig deep just to find out there's nothing, just an empty space.
Or maybe it is really that I'm such a coconut that I don't let papayas through my core to share the seeds. ...What the hell am I talking about???
See you in Finland soon!
-Tomi
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