Thursday, June 21, 2007
An Open Letter to the Man I Call God
Dear God,
The other day I was thinking about death. I wondered that if I were to die at that moment, the only words I could have uttered to you were "I am sorry." I cried after realizing that those were the only words I can tell you. I know I have not lived the best I can because I have been overly concerned with my problems instead of concentrating on the many blessings you have bestowed on me.
I am not going to deny to anyone that 2007 so far has been very tough for me. Save for getting really serious physical injuries, I have experienced in a span of 6 months what most would experience in a lifetime. There was a time, I questioned you, pitied myself and played the victim. I hated you. I resented that you ever let me live a life that is so full of pain, anger and sadness. So much anger did I have for you that I did not even dare try to pray. I said I can handle this on my own. I doubted your existence and when I did not, I asked you to leave me alone.
But you did not leave me alone. Everyday you would still give me a simple blessing to remind me that there is someone out there who loves me and cares for me. For example, yesterday, my landlady kindly told me that I did not have to pay the rent this month because she wanted to help me.
When I finally had the courage to pray to you in the most sincere way I could during the last six months, I cried even without saying one word. It was like getting reunited with a long lost friend and getting forgiveness without uttering a single word. I know that something out there loves me.
And suddenly, everything I went through made sense. Instead of concentrating on the bad experiences, I realized what I gained i.e. self-acceptance and self-respect. My belief that everything has a reason fortified. Moreso, it was during the time I prayed that the words - every beginning has an end - came through my thoughts. Now, I look forward to ending this rather memorable chapter and moving on to a happier, more peaceful phase in my life.
I would also like to thank Mama Mary whom I was very angry with after years of a loving relationship with her. I must admit that I felt abandoned by her and betrayed. In the past week though, as I utter the prayers to her, I felt a sense of comfort and of peace. I felt as though everything will work out.
At the end of the day, I want to thank you. Thank you for the blessings, both good and bad. Thank you for challenging me. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for loving me. And when I die, I hope that words of gratitude are the words which I utter.
Your daughter,
Erica
1 comments:
Hello Erica..
Your blogsite was referred to me by my cousins, Thelma Cleofe and Michael Taylor. I heard youre in Finland..if you can please send me your email address so i can tell you my situation..I just came back from Finland..my email add: momzzygracie@yahoo.com..Hope to hear from you asap.
Gracie
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