Thursday, August 16, 2007
Ouch!
I am in pain...
...PHYSICALLY
Since last Monday, my head has been throbbing like crazy. My stomach has been churning and has not given me much peace as well. My muscles are weak. My temperature shoots up and down. Ouch.
...SPIRTUALLY
I have been attending a lot of spiritual awakening programmes ever since last week. I am very happy I made the decision to go there. However, the more I go there more I realize how spirituallyempty I have actually been my entire life. I always thought I had faith and I did -- albeit it was not as profound as I thought.
What makes me feel pain though is that I realized how much wrong choices I have made in the past, how much I misprioritized my life has been and how self-centered I have been. As I come to terms with my sins, it takes extra effort to really forgive and accept all that has been done. I know with humility, I will be able to do so. But as in anything in (my) life, I am taking it a step at a time. In this case, it can even be half a step at a time! OUCH! ;)
...EMOTIONALLY
Of all the pains I have been experiencing, this is perhaps the most unpredictable. I would like to credit this to mood swings but I believe that there is something more to this than just uncontrollable hormones. Yesterday, while meditating, my frame of thought went into a place I never visited before -- very, very early childhood. Questions went into my head but somehow I knew these questions were not mean to be answered then and there. I knew that the answers would take much emotional maturity to be able to handle.
In any case, I am getting happier by the second. The decision to take time for myself, though painful, feels like it was the best decision I could have made at this time. I know some of my friends may be hurting because of this but I also believe in my heart that they understand. In time, everything will be alright. OUCH!
...MENTALLY
I have been reading a lot of gossip-filled internet sites recently. After some thought, I have concluded that reading these sites, though interesting and funny (as in laugh out loud funny) are doing nothing to really make me grow as a person. Rather it pulls me down because it encourages the judgemental and lazy side of me. So, from this day onward, I will not visit those sites anymore. I would not be surprised if my headaches were partly caused by collecting these irrelevant pieces of information! So please do wish me luck! :) OUCH!
...SOCIALLY
My "personal seclusion agreement" has of course cost a dent in my relationships with people. I am more quiet these days and less likely to initiate conversations. I prefer sleeping in than meeting people for coffee. I don´t talk through my life anymore and have somehow stopped wanting to talk about it.
In the long run, I have no clue how this will affect the course of my yet-to-be-fully-lived life. For now though, I am sticking to my decision to be "alone for a while." As I said, it just feels like it was a good decision. History will judge if it indeed were.
...FINANCIALLY
This pain is more connected to the reality that until now we have not found the best partners for our business. But then again, I know that there is reason behind this "wait." I am sure God wants us to find the best possible people to work with and not settle for anyone less. For now, the search continues with endless SMS-sending and internet-hunting. I do feel (and know) though that this will pay off. I won´t be surprised if things turn around in a snap! OUCH!
OUch -- yet in every ouch muttered is a healing process waiting to end. :)
2 comments:
"What makes me feel pain though is that I realized how much wrong choices I have made in the past"
One video that calmed me whan I also thougt that way was Steve Job's speech at Stanford. He said:
"You can't connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.......because believing that the dots will connect you in the future will give you the guts to follow your heart, and that will make all the difference"
wow, that's pretty long, hehehe..
with smile,
ali
Yeah I like that speech as well. It made me cry the first time I read it. :)
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