Thursday, September 06, 2007

Different Shades of Gray

When does self-acceptance and self-improvement meet?


Everyday, I find that I accept myself more and more. For the most part, I like the process, I feel happier, more peaceful and grateful. However, whenever I am faced to accept yet one more idiosyncracy or complexity, I begin resenting that I am the person I am. So, like any other good girl, I mentally promise that I will become a better person and try my best to improve.


For example, I have always been honest enough not to pretend to like someone if my gut feel and/or experience says that this person is bad news (so to speak). But then again, I question myself as to why I box myself in this judgement and go out of my way to become friendly. The thing is sometimes, I talk to these people out of guilt -- a real bad motivation I must say. ;)


So because of my honesty, I have become a snob to some people. I mean, honesty is supposed to be a good thing right? And yet, it reaps some bad side effects. My strength has also become my weakness.


Goes to show that life can never be black OR white. Most of the time I find myself in different shades of gray.


The thing is the more I see facets of myself that I once refused to see, the longer my self-improvement list is. (Actually, the list is so long, it is scary. Har har!) And in these moments of self-reflection, I often turn inwards and connect with my spiritual side and pray to become a better person.


As always, life does not really give me a tested recipe on how to be a better person since being a better person means differently to every person. Instead, I am given the chances to become better and in those chances, I have a choice -- either to improve or stand still.


I think that is what happened to me these last years. I prayed and wanted to be more spiritual, to find more purpose in my life and to have love in my life. Instead of one day waking up and feeling like I am on a high, I actually woke up with a sense of emptiness that took years to be filled. It was never in the moments of achievement that the void was filled. It was in the moments of despair that I found that life is worth being grateful for. Instead of being given the chance to have love given to me from outside, I was taught that I needed to learn to love myself unconditionally before anything or anyone else.


And so I ask, what do you wish to improve in yourself beyond what would make you a better colleague or employee or student? I mean, what in your deeepest core have you refused to accept about yourself? I for one, never admitted out loud that I was this narcissistic, self-righteous and obnoxious person until I learned what humility and kindness really meant.


I found a very good quote from Evan Almighty and I want to share this with you as a conclusion of what I have learned so far. :)


GOD: "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

Posted by Erica Cleofe at 18:43

6 comments:

  1. Blogger Annika on September 07, 2007 10:07 AM

    I liked that last quote.

    Well said, Hollywood-God. :)

  2. Blogger Erica Cleofe on September 08, 2007 12:56 PM

    Hehe!

    I have not seen the movie yet actually. I will though. I heard it was a funny one (and maybe even philosophical). :)

  3. Blogger Mai Daoud on September 08, 2007 1:45 PM

    hey erica! You cannot imagine how much this post of yours totally hit home with me. Since I graduated from univerisity and started my career journey I have been pretty confused about who I am and what I accept in me and what I dont. It really is worth some self-reflection time.

  4. Blogger Erica Cleofe on September 10, 2007 9:31 AM

    Hey Mai!

    Thanks for visiting my blog. I know all of us get confused all the time. I hope we all find our way. :)

    Cheers,
    Erica

  5. Blogger Mo on September 10, 2007 10:26 PM

    Self awareness is a continuous pattern. It brings you further, it pushes you to evolve.

    Thanx for dropping by once again. I guess you know the feelings and even the characters of the sotry.

    Hughs

  6. Blogger Erica Cleofe on September 11, 2007 11:53 AM

    Yeah Maria, I think I know. At least when Finland was mentioned, lightbulbs appeared.

    Cheers and I wish you peace of mind.

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