Tuesday, January 30, 2007
It's All in the Family
I have learned a lot of things over the past week. So much so that I cannot even begin to write this blog entry. All the things I have learned have been good and powerful. They are things I would like to share with you maybe by posting it one at a time.
One essential thing that I have learned is that in the end, it is family that pulls through for you. No matter how much loyalty and understanding you get from friends, it is family that takes care of you.
I personally experienced this over the last few weeks. My family, both from the Salvadors and the Cleofes, have done their best to comfort me and to extend any form of help for me. At times, I don't think I have shown enough gratitude. But I am very grateful. It is just that sometimes, emailing, SMS-ing, even phone calls rarely transfer the warmth necessary with the statements.
Even as I type this post, there is so much I want to say. Somehow the right words fail to capture my thoughts and feelings. How can you truly express gratitude and love through this? And how can they actually understand my routines, my learnings, my life through emails?
No matter what, I have realized how essential family is to me. How much I have neglected building my relationships with them and how selfish I have been. Over the next few months, I am willingly going step by step in making sure my family feels they are an important part of my life.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Plan A
As an outgoing MCP, I am often asked the question, "What are you doing next?" Frankly, the answer is "I don't know."
Well, I do have options. Right now, I have a very clear Plan A. I am bent on making plan A work. Unfortunately, I cannot divulge the details now just because I feel some things are meant to be kept as a secret.
If anything, I just want to beg all of you to pray and hope that Plan A works out just fine. Plan A is the best way to live out my potential.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Bad Karma
First of all, I must apologize for the long silence. I have been without laptop nor internet for the past weeks so posting has become quite difficult these days. Yes, my laptop suddenly gave up on me -- without any warning or sign. And at that moment, when I saw my laptop conk out, I just stared haphazardly at the screen and silently said, "Not one more thing."
I have had a string of bad luck lately -- from washing machine payments to laptops breaking down to visa problems to a big possibility of not being able to go to IPM. Sometimes I feel that I could not take it any longer. Small things when piled up becomes insurmountable. I feel trapped. I feel helpless. I feel alone.
What should I do next? I do not know. Right now, I just feel like admitting that, yes, I am in a deep crisis. There is a need to overhaul my life but where and how to begin is something I don't know. I wish I can fast forward my life and see how this can all be solved. But unfortunately, life does not play through a DVD player. Life plays on its own course. No matter how much you try to steer your way through it with much enthusiasm, it just finds a way to kill your hope inch by inch.
Yes, I am tired. I don't know if being home or being in Finland or being on the moon would help me feel less sad now. Maybe for the first time in history, I am giving in to life's negative graces.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Negative Energy Not
Yesterday, I had a very life-changing discussion with Christopher Evatt. The main objective of the meeting was to help clarify my business plans and the next steps regarding that. As an added bonus, however, I had a very interesting chat about well-being with him.
I wanted to find out WHY? Why is it that inspite of all the good karma I am trying to build, so much bad energy seem to be hounding me. I really did not get it. To so many people, who I am and what I do is inspiring. Yet, there are days when I wish I would play the role of "the inspired one" rather than "the inspiring one."
Why are people inspired by me? What did I do right to deserve that kind of distinction? Apparently, by being who I am and by breaking down my barriers, I allow people to trust that they need not be perfect.
However, because of my level of honesty and non-pretension, I have opened myself up to both the good and the bad. Therefore, I can attract both positive and negative energy. I have been naive and believed that if I break down my barriers, I will live a very peaceful life -- free of pain and worries. While it is true that breaking down my barriers was indeed a rewarding experience, I did not shield myself from the possibility that I will absorb other people's negative vibes. Maybe in a sense, my biggest flaw of trusting people too much have affected me once more. This time, I trusted that everyone saw life as a blessing and that they will share this positive energy with me. What happened however was that people were more willing to transmit the negative and since I was not aware that the negative energy can actually envelope me, I have not found a way to protect myself from its wrathful and often self-delibitating attack.
It made perfect sense! The reason I seem to still feel and experience so much bad things inspite of my optimism and gratitude is because I have not consciously found a way to preserve the positive in order to protect myself from the negative! :)
So from now on dearest friends and family, I am consciously implementing methods so that I can deflect all bad energy from people around me. :) Ha! Life is good.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Good Lives, Simple Choices
Today, I received some weird news. Potentially it can be a very bad piece of information. Somehow though I am calm. I don't know if I am just numbing myself or I just have faith in my God and in life. I hope it is the second one. I just feel that things are no longer in my control and I have done my best. All I can do is wait in peace and hope against hope that my God will bless me with what I have asked for.
I know that no matter how flawed I am, I am a good person that deserve to be forgiven by life for the mistakes I have made. I believe that no matter how angry, arrogant or messed up I can be, I have also given value in so many people's lives by being who I am and sharing parts of me.
I believe that life does not measure a person by the mistakes she makes but by the effort she makes to make herself better. I believe that at the very core of our existence, we all are good people who just want to believe that life is bad and evil. But life isn't really. Life is what we make out of it. We can choose to believe it is shitty or we can choose to believe it is beautiful. In the end, what life offers us is our own fault.
Oftentimes, the biggest fight we have to face is the war we have created within us. God is good. Life is good. Believe in it.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Entrepreneurship 101
Now that I am trying to be a super mega entrepreneur purely by gut feel, blind faith and optimism. I will share with you how the journey has been so far.
So far, it has been very hard. My enthusiasm has not waned nor have I given up but the fact is, it takes time, dedication and being 100% shameless. :) It has always been written in books that it's hard to be an entrepreneur but I never expected some of the weird reactions I have gotten. :) Granted that my idea is not that conventional, it is the first time in 5 years where I actually had an idea that I seriously believed in! I decided to have a business 5 years ago and it is only now that I have something concrete!
Anyway, so far I have been still able to move forward with the plan -- often sitting in my own little world and devising ways to make it happen. The main dilemma is sometimes the fear still takes over! Argh! :(
So what to do next? Well, continue learning, pushing and dreaming. Everything is possible.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Gratitude
For those of you who were a bit worried about me, I am feeling much, much better now. I hope most of you can see me now since I look much more relaxed and refreshed. :)
There are so many people who actually care for me. And for those who especially went out of their way to send an SMS, call or post here, thank you very much. :)
Now I have re-confirmed I am not alone. That means everything to me.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Managing Alone
A lot of people say that it is lonely at the top. I can say it's true. What is even lonelier is to be at the top knowing your family is thousands of miles away.
Stress combined with homesickness usually spells disaster. I know that for sure. Today, I just went through what I would call my loneliest day I have had in a year. I felt so alone.
And yet, in my solitude I have found out how strong a person I actually am. Few people would survive what I am experiencing. Many would give up but I have not. I have made a decision and chosen to stick by that decision - no matter how tough it can be.
Yes, it's tough. Yes, it's hard. Yes, sometimes it sucks every ion of energy I have. But is it worth it? ABSOLUTELY. It is in the tough days that I realize how amazing I have been. God knows how many blocked roads I had to clear out but I still manage to continue my journey.
And that is what it is all about - continuing the journey. Life is not meant to be given up on. Life simply is.
Monday, January 01, 2007
When Fear Takes Over
I was on cloud 9 the past few days after realizing what I wanted to do. However, as days passed, I have started to get caught by the usual mood killers - doubt, fear and insecurities.
Now, I feel paralyzed. I am afraid I will once again choose the safe choices because they are easier, more certain and less emotionally tasking. But then again, I know that choosing the road easily travelled is like making my soul suffer from a long and painful death.
Why am I programmed to be afraid? Better yet, what am I really afraid of? Is fear a good reason to stifle my potential as a human being? Am I doing myself justice by giving in to fear?
Obviously, the answer is no and yet, I focus on believing otherwise.
But now I am healing myself from that fear by openly admitting to you that yes, I am afraid of failing. I think that by being open about such insecurities and doubts, I am freeing myself from the pretenses. More importantly, by admitting this to you, I am releasing that evil, evil fear that wants to put me down.
From now on, fear will not be allowed to take over my soul. After all, my soul is too precious to be ruled by such balderdash.
