Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Mirage of Emotions
The last two weeks in IPM have been an intense experience for me. I experienced a range of emotions from extreme joy to annoying confusion. I guess, jumping out of my daily activities, shook me up and pushed me to face the questions I managed to avoid so far.
There are no words that can actually capture my thoughts right now. I just know that at this very moment, as I type these mirage of words, I feel that I need to love myself more. I need to acknowledge more and more the value I create in this world and the value I create for myself. I realized, I should not expect others to love me if I cannot love myself just as much.
Right now, I feel at peace that life will work itself out. I am grateful to have gone through a tough thinking process. The thinking process made me appreciate myself and my life even more. I feel at peace.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
On Being Afraid
I have been watching the entire second season of House M.D. for the past two weekends. Watching the series trigerred a lot of thoughts in me, particularly about life and death.
Since House MD is a medical series, what often happens is that the patients, after getting a second lease on life, starts becoming elated and appreciating life. They suddenly see the value of their life, become more aware of life's blessings and just generally become more grateful.
After seeing through so many of these scenes, I realized that there was hardly a patient who welcomed death. This made me question if people in general, just choose to live because they are afraid of death or if they really see value in their existence.
I have also started to question myself whether it is just my fear of death that really pushes me to live. In general, there are certain fears that primordially exists within me that unfortunately defines some of my actions -- fear of death, fear of rejection and fear of failure. Do I really choose to exist because I love life and appreciate its blessings? I would like to believe that yes, I do and for the most part I do. But there is room for improvement.
Fear cages people. Fear imprisons. Fear limits. Fear causes worry. Fear leads to unhappiness. Fear is the opposite of faith.
Right now, I would rather have faith than live in fear. :)
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Sorting It All Out
My life is getting sorted out one problem at a time. Thank God for all the answered prayers. After a long time, I finally admitted that there are certain things I could not solve and that I just needed to trust and have faith. Once again, I was reminded of my humanity and how I should always welcome His energy into my well-being rather than forcing my own.
Right now, there are still a few loose strings that need to be tied. They all have to do with mending and improving relationships. I must admit that there are things that I take too personally. That is one fault I need to improve. Sometimes, my reason is lost in a swarm of stupidity. Then again, I am also human and I cannot really deny how I feel at certain points. The consequence, however, is that there are certain relationships that either remain static or develop into frantic. In both cases, the relationships spiral into a loop of non-improvement.
The point? I don't know really. I do know that I need to learn how to communicate better - to listen as well as to speak. I also need to learn to handle rejection and failure better. I also need to break my walls down even further so that I allow more good people into my life.
There is still a lot to learn. There is still a lot to improve. That's the reason why I am still alive. :)
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Special thanks to Papa, Tito Willie, Tita Corsky, Tita Peachy, Manang, Tita Becky and Tito Dodie, Tito Levi and Tito Gina, Tito Darling and Michael, Tito Efren, Tito Chito,Tito Ernie, Tito Elsa, Lola Inang, Tito Emil, Tita Rebecca, Tito Lito, Ate Nikka, Tita Aida, But, Rico, Miguel, Alda and Dong for the help extended to me these weeks. You made me very happy and feel blessed.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Patience and Time Clashing
Every problem has a solution. Every idea becomes reality after time. Every dream can be achieved in time. Every person's value can be discovered in time.
Time goes by so fast when we go about our daily routines. One day you wake up realizing that life flew by you when you were busy doing "important things." Ironically, time also goes by so slowly when you want and need to discover something -- from finding out if you got a job to determining what your life's purpose is. Time plays a trick on everyone. It makes us move our lives around it. It envelopes us and contains us. Time can be either a liberating factor or an unsolvable trap that despairs us.
After 5 long years, I have determined my life's purpose. While I am not at liberty to write about it yet, I am happy that my patience (though forced) has paid off. All those years spent wondering what I am here for has disappeared. Finally, I have a choice which feels - by all means - right.
I still have a few challenges to deal with, things to solve and debts to pay -- but overall, I am satisfied that the wait is over. I am found.
