Saturday, March 31, 2007
Live from the Hospital!
Hi Guys!
This will be a very short post. I have been in the hospital for around 10 days now and will be there until further notice. No need to worry. I just need complete bed rest. Anyway, that's it. I wanted you guys to know why I have been not updating my blog (and will not be updating it until I am recovered). Hugs to all.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Wisdom Poof
I am currently reading Coelho's The Alchemist. I know, I know, I am reading it a zillion years too late but I really did not want to read a cliché. I am glad though that I put off reading it because I think it's message is most relevant to me now. If I read it 3 years back or even a week back, it would not be personally as thought-provoking as it is now.
The "lessons" being said in the book are nothing really new or even fascinating to me. I mean, come on, I spent a good part of my life learning all the wisdom the book is conveying. But what I find ironic is that oftentimes we know but we don't ever do.
All of us have ingrained wisdom in our subconscious. Sometimes we tap them, most of the time we don't. However, I feel, sometimes we allow all this wisdom to fade away simply because being wise does not automatically mean being practical. For example, in The Alchemist one message that is repeatedly there is that the universe conspires when you are trying to reach your destiny. I mean, people, who did know that? I knew that way before I even read this book. I knew that as a toddler! We all know that and yet we choose to forget it because we want to live miserable lives by believing that this material world is wiser than us.
All of us are wise. We all know what the essential truths are. We all know what would make us happy. We all know what causes our misery. We all know we exist for a reason. We all know that the world is our oyster and not the other way around. And yet, we are all unhappy, confused and lost. We are all these things because we all choose to live in fear.
At the very core of it, sometimes, I believe we are all afraid to be happy. We choose to live in misery because misery is more acccepted that happiness. You are free to challenge me on this but I think we pass judgement on happy (as in really happy) people than the morose ones. We question those people who are really happy being cleaners and judge them as unambitious. We find people who are always giddy weird and annoying. We judge motivational speakers as "too much bullshit."
This world thrives on misery, pain and confusion. We all choose to believe in the negative than on the positive. We set ourselves up for pain and failure. We all secretly want to be sad because being happy in a planet full of sadness means being different.
I really don't know the point of this post. I completely went off-track from my original thesis statement, hehe. Well, maybe there is no point but there are questions. Questions which will be asked, when the answers have come.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Missing Mama
Last Sunday, I was watching a string of shows where there was a mom taking care of as well as aruguing with her daughters. As I watched these characters banter with their moms, I began to wonder how much I actually missed for not having a mom around to see me grow up.
Mama and I were very close. I slept beside her until she started getting sick. I was a constant hang-around at her work and I was her loyal sidekick whenever she shopped, travelled and visited our relatives. My weekend memories from when I was 8 until I was 12 were filled with her. She always seemed happy and upbeat but somehow I also knew that there were things bothering her though I really could not spell out what they were.
On the morning before she died, I remember feeling very lethargic. Rain was pouring heavily outside and it was quite cold. People in her room called me in and told me to sit there to be with my mom. She held my hand. A few minutes later, she began to struggle for every breath. The fight to survive was a long one. She put on a fight until her final breath. And as she did, no matter how much I saw, I could not believe that this was the reality I was supposed to live in - a life without a mom.
I would not go about here writing how much it sucks not to have a mom while growing up. Frankly, I do not know what it is like. I do not know how it is to break up for the first time and have your mom stroke your hair. I don't know how it feels to be a teenager going to pub and lying through your teeth about it once you are home. I don't know how it is to graduate from the university with a mom looking on. I just don't know. I just know that there are certain moments meant to be shared with one's mother that I will never get to have -- engagements, weddings, first child, etc.
Right now though, as I write this entry, I feel a certain pang of envy for people who still have a mom to call on their toughest or happiest days. Today, I just miss Mama. I miss her laughter, her presence, her generosity, her love. I know that somewhere up there, she misses me too.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Relearning Finland
Last Thursday, I woke up with the most excruciating headache, the worst cough, a fever and muscle pain. Yes, I was officially down with the flu. So bad was the flu that I could not do anything except to send some SMS to friends and colleagues I could not meet.
And so the battle to be well began. As I slept on and off the whole day, I realized that I was alone in this whole ordeal. I mean, sure it was JUST a flu but coming from a country like the Philippines this was an experience! In my country, even when I just got regular menstrual cramps (sorry boys, hehe) I would be doted on like a baby! I remember when I had a flu, I just had to lie down in bed and everything would be taken cared of! I did not even need to keep track when I should drink my medicines because it would be handed to me on the dot. So being alone again, while sick, made me feel a bit needy for attention, as if wanting to relive the days past. :)
On Friday, I did not feel that much better (though the fever was down). So I wanted to be a baby (hehe) and asked a friend if he can come over and hang out. He said, he might but he is quite busy and my house is too far away. Imagine my disappointment! I felt rejected and embarassed! As I put down the phone, I realized something that I have taken for granted already -- cultural differences.
For someone who has lived in Finland for almost three years non-stop, I assumed I was into the culture but I realized I am not yet. A part of me will always be Filipino. :) Last night Annika and I had this whole discussion about how different it is to be a Finnish friend and a Filipino friend. For example, she said she did not visit me last Thursday though she knew I might have needed the company because she had a mentoring meeting. If the same thing happened to her, I would have cancelled the meeting and visited her. The same goes for Janne whom I asked if I can visit him on the weekend (because I was sad and needed to be away from Helsinki). He said for sure I can but preferably not this weekend because he had three exams. Though I was not hurt, that really stopped me. For me, it would have been so natural to cancel or adjust everything if you have for a friend in need.
I was talking to Chris Evatt about how he met a Filipino woman in a German train station and how lovely she was. He was laughing at how she invited him to eat at her place and visit her at anytime. That is what I think describes our culture. It is a culture that thrives on taking care of each other. For example, when I was in Paris, I met a Filipino lady around 7 hours before my train to Amsterdam. We talked for 30 minutes and I ended up eating the best Filipino food at her place where we chit-chatted about her marital problems, her illegal status as an immigrant, etc. This is just further evidence that our culture is just 100% open to care for people and share what we have for them. :)
So I guess, this is why sometimes I am misinterpreted as too much or I feel people care too little. For me, caring should be shown in so obvious ways that it sucks not to have it here (sometimes). For example, if I asked a friend to come meet me for coffee and she said "I cannot, I am working." (According to Annika) The natural reaction of a Finn would be not to SMS back because sending a message with an "Okay" is pretty useless and that a non-reply is anyway a sign that you are alright with it. But for me, in order to make the other person feel that I understand, I need to reply something! It is just how I am. I feel the need to communicate and to show affection.
Back at home, my best friends and I would SMS about anything and everything that can exist on this world. Sometimes, we would just see a nice pair of shoes and we would immediately let each other know or when one watched a movie, an instant personal review would go right into my phone inbox. There were even messages about how meetings have gone, etc. We practically knew each other's schedules by heart. Does this mean we are too much in each other's lives? Nope. For us it was natural. :)
I am not saying Finns are uncaring! Au contraire! I think Finns are the truest friends one can have in the entire world. They stick by you through thick and thin. They tell you honestly when you are doing well and when you are being a brat. They love you for who you are and who you will become. I LOVE THEM! :)
So now I am once again re-learning Finnish culture, hehe. I think I actually have the best of both worlds. I can show people I care for them while at the same time seeing the value of personal space. I was just discussing with Annika, that maybe in Finland, I seem to "care too much" but I am sure when I come back home, I will be seen as a bit cold and disrespectful because I have become too honest with no frills and I have also seen a lot of value of having my own space.
What amazes me now is how I missed all of these things the last months. I already knew this but somehow I forgot everything. I guess it is true that whatever lessons you hold up your sleeve, sometimes, you really need to re-learn it for it to stick around. :)
Moreover, as much as I need to re-learn lessons in life, I need to constantly re-learn myself and the people around me. I need to be able to facilitate these learning points so that I get the most of the friendships I have and the friendships I am bound to have. I can only imagine when I am back at home how much a shock and hurt it would be for any friend to get "rejected" by me if I say, "I am not in the mood so I cannot meet you!" :)
I don't want to lose that ability to show I care for people though. It's who I am. I just think, as in anything, I need to learn the fine art of balancing. ;)
Cheers to you all!
----
Thank you to Annika for allowing me to invade her space and letting me bother her for two days in a row. Hugs! :)
Coffee talk on the topic tomorrow, Monday, 18:00 at Wayne's in Aleksanterinkatu. If you are in Helsinki, you are more welcome to join.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Sparkling Self
I was down with the flu for the last two days. I am still a bit feeling under the weather since I don't think I have fully recovered yet. I sent an SMS to a colleague and his reply was: "My wish is for you to be back to your sparkling self again."
For me, that wish is more than just about getting physically well but also being well in all aspects. Surely, I am going back to my sparkling self. I am starting to make fun of circumstances again, I am starting to find reason in everything and best of all, I am learning from the past and moving forward.
So ladies and gents, save for a few coughs, I am back to my sparkling self. :)
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Love and Regret
I was attending a meeting hosted by Chris Evatt yesterday. He was talking to a bunch of personnel managers about well-being and what it means to be well. He emphasized the point that ONE person can change an organization, heck, one person can even change the world! All one has to do is find out what his value is in this world and live out this value.
Sounds simple, eh? Of course, living this out is a lot more tricky than it sounds. As an exercise though, he asked the participants to write down the things they enjoy doing and from there you will see what value you actually wish to create.
So, being the diligent person that I am, I actually went through the exercise in my head and came up with a list of things that I find joy doing. :)
What I love to do #1: Presenting / Talking in front of an audience
Finnish AIESECers know that when I am on stage, I just love it. It's not because I am extra egotistical but rather because I know I have the presence, the skill and the energy to give out. Whether it is a session about what we do or about personal development, I just love being there and being able to convey something I so believe in. :) I don't know when I developed this talent or how I ever did develop it, but I know I do thrive in an environment where I am given the chance to talk to an audience about my opinions, my life and myself. As a consequence, I know my audience get something out of it, whether it be increased energy, motivation or just joy.
What I love doing #2: Writing
For all you blog readers out there, it must be quite clear that I LOVE TO WRITE my musings on people and life. I love to make people aware of my thought processes hoping that aside from allowing people into my life, I am able to make people think about their own experiences as well. I don't mean to say I like "inspiring" people since that is not the case. It is more of allowing people to see themselves in my experiences to make them feel happier about their existence.
What I love doing #3: Singing and Listening to Music
The joy I get from singing and being around music is indescribable. I listen from the most bubblegum pop song to the most intense classical music. Either way, the effect it has on me, is just breathtaking. I feel like I am in another world. I feel at peace and happy. The feeling it creates when I sing or listen to music is that of belonging to a world, which is otherwise so fragmented and confused.
Those are the three things I love doing. If I put 1 + 1 + 1 together, I am sure that my purpose has something to do with making people feel good about themselves, whether by music, by words or by talking.
The big challenge is this: How can I make people feel good about themselves if I myself can't make myself feel good? Hmmm, life is ironic, ain't it?
I guess I can start by forgiving myself for something I feel I should not have not done. I should have protected myself from people and circumstances that only made me feel unworthy of being loved. I know I made bad decisions but I cannot undo what has been done. Right now, I just feel a twinge of regret everytime I think of particular instances during the last few months.
I don't like regretting stuff but I also cannot deny that I do regret what happened. I just hope that sometime soon, I can readily and proudly say that I have forgiven myself.
Right now, I have submitted all of me to God, hoping that one day. I hope I'll get up from this fall and come to understand and accept everything sooner than I expected.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Hit Her Baby One More Time!
Her loneliness is killing her.
I recently got updated with the tribulations of Britney Spears. As much as I am not a fan of the pop star, I cannot help but feel for her. Imagine, in a span of a few weeks, she shaved her head off, tried to kill herself, went in a rehab facility and declared undying love for her once-estranged husband. Some people judge her for not being able to handle the fame and the fortune given her. Some people say that she should not act this way because her problems are not as big as other people's. Some people say this and some say that. But in the end, who are we to judge whose problems are bigger? All problems as in all emotions are valid. Her problems are no exception.
At the very core of it, I think she feels lonely. I think that is a feeling all of us can relate to at every point in our lives. I don't know where her feeling of loneliness comes from because, obviously, we are not close. I can only surmise it is due to the ironic consequence of fame and fortune -- of people expecting much more than what can be given, of the general public not giving her personal space, of her parents getting divorced and her not being able to grieve properly and her having a marriage that everyone looked forward to failing.
In a lot of ways, I feel she has been communicating her desperation, the only ways she knows how. Maybe she felt that no one really understood her. Perhaps, she was right. Fame, fortune and all kinds of superficial achievements will never be able to fill in the void that I believe every human being needs -- to be cared for and to be understood.
Don't we all feel like Britney Spears at times? Misunderstood? Alone? Seeking for indirect help that no one seems to understand? And don't we all show our desperation, sadness and loneliness in very indirect ways? Don't we all ask for attention and test our relationships by being needy, annoying and sometimes pathetic? Don't we behave in ways so irrational whenever we have problems?
Just a few months ago, I misjudged a person very badly. I took her actions as arrogance, indifference and annoying. However, after having a conversation with her, I discovered why she acted like she did. I recognized what context and the assumptions she was (re)acting upon. I discovered parts of her that made everything fall into place. Now, our relationship has improved and I have discovered what a great person she actually is. Our friendship would be 10x better now if I put aside my own presumptions, talked to her and asked her what I believe is the most powerful question: why?
I believe that is what we all fail to do. We fail to ask one simple question: Why? If we just learned to ask why, instead of judging and assuming things about people, we would all build an environment of support and understanding. I have heard somewhere that in order to know what a person is really thinking or feeling, you have to ask "why?" five times, then you get to the real reason.
All of us are a bit lonely. Some show it overtly, others hide it, while others don't even recognize it. Let us not wait for our friend's "Britney Spears moment" before you show that you care. After all, I don't think the world can handle a lot of bald people. :)
Thursday, March 08, 2007
I-Can't-Think-Movie!
Have you ever had those days that you really cannot think of anything and you just want to be? Well, I had exactly that feeling yesterday so I asked Annika to host me for the night so I can have some silent company and so I can release all parts of my brains and watch a movie.
During days like the one I had yesterday, I would normally opt to watch a TV series like Friends or Seinfeld. But alas, the video stores did not have them. So after considering watching Saw II, Psycho and Fareneheit 9/11 I decided to watch a Hugh Grant movie called American Dreamz.
Oh man! The movie was such a random one that it was actually funny! I would definitely recommend watching this movie if you have those "I-am-empty" days. First off, the movie has good-looking (or at least good-to-look-at) actors and actresses. Second, it's just so random, it hurts. Third, there are loads of singing. Fourth, it is actually funny. :)
I won't give a summary here but seriously, renting that movie was the best decision I have made yesterday. And now the movie's damn theme song is stuck in my head. :)
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
I am a Work of Art
I enrolled in the gym last Friday It is my first time to be a member of a a gym since 2005. It felt great to know that I will once again discipline myself to exercise and try to keep my health in check.
For so long I did not prioritize enrolling in a gym because it cost too much. I always convinced myself that I would just take long walks, take the stairs and eat properly to keep myself healthy. Of course, even when I did all those things religiously, I still felt lethargic at times. After all, I was lifting weights for 3 straight years when I decided to stop.
What made me come back was not an improved financial situation but rather by a philosophy I realized just a few days back. It dawned on me that I am a work of art (in progress). Being a work of art means that I should be willing to invest in things that would inevitably support my improvement. :)
Being a work of art also means that I should only choose to be in environments and situations and be in the company of people whom will help up my appreciation value. That is a more difficult decision. But one that has to be made.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Improvement Points
It's official. I am not perfect! Haha! :) Anyway, I wanted to share with you my three improvement points and you better slap my hand if I don't do these!
- Worrying too much - I worry too much. Maybe some of my worries have been valid. But some are definitely stupid. I mean, why worry about little things. It causes me stress, anxiety and may even cause me friendships! So now I dare myself to worry less and take things that should be taken easy with a stride.
- Taking things too seriously - This was a feedback given to me by one of my good friends. He was screwing with me by saying sarcastic things and, of course, I took them seriously causing me to feel insecure. Again, this will ruin a lot of relationships as well as cause unnecessary stress (as if life is not stressful enough).
- Trying to solve some things on my own - Ask for help and help will be given. If not, you unnecessarily burden yourself with worries that could have been addressed easily if you asked for help. Never ever assume people don't understand because they do. Trust people. :)
Three simple points. Three big improvements. Seriously, police me when necessary.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Surprising Pike
Pike and I in India 2005
Gratitude is least shown to the people who care about you the most. I have come to realize that during IPM when my mind was so consumed about wanting certain people to care for me when those who did actually cared most for me was literally right in front of me.
Today, I wish to once again thank a person who has shown extreme loyalty, support and understanding for me, which I have never really given back in return. That person is no other than Pike, one of the lovely Legos.
I never really knew who Pike was until I applied for the MC back in 2004. My first impression of her was that she was quiet and shy but overall a nice person. I could only imagine what her first impression of me was because frankly in that pool of candidates, I was a bit random. :) Anyway, the time of the whole selection process came and I never told Pike this but she actually saved part of my interview. You see, I did not know squat about OGX then but right before my interview came, I asked a question, she gave an answer -- the same answer which I gave the selection panel. :) It is a good thing we both got selected! Haha!
Throughout the Lego year, I have seen how sincere Pike was in doing the best she can in every task given to her. In a team where almost everyone wants their opinion to be the "team opinion," Pike was the one who only said her piece when she had something valuable to say. Of course, she does have her "Pike moments" when she slips up and says something outrageous. :)
As a housemate, I have seen how Pike tried her utmost best to keep Kantsu clean. But alas! She failed to keep up with our "magical" set of dishes which seem to magically appear almost as instantly as they are cleaned. Nonetheless, Pike was the constant part of our home as well as our team. If you needed anything crucial, Pike is the one to ask. What is even more beautiful about her is her ability to understand, love and care for people around her. I remember when I was sick, it was Pike whom I asked to buy soup for me and asked for some help in calling the doctor. In IC in India, she was the one who made sure that I won't get a fever by giving me her set of medicine.
I almost forgot how caring she was until this IPM when I received a surprise gift from her all the way from India! I could not believe that she would go out of her way to make me feel that I have a great friend who thinks of me! :)
I truly feel blessed that the combination of people who made up Team Lego was the best possible combination in terms of friendships built. I am grateful that I have met Pike and got to know her through the MC year. And I am even more grateful that I have a lot of years to continue "building a better future."
To Pike, thank you very much. I cannot wait to see you soon! :)
