Thursday, May 31, 2007
Internet Free
Today, I am officially moving out of my old flat. My new flat is very close to where I use to live a year back, in fact it is just across the rails. I am now living in with two other Filipinas and the house has this home-like feel. I am really blessed to have found this place.
Anyway, in my new flat, I will have no access to internet. For a homebody like me, this seems like an impossibility. What the heck will I do without internet? How will I be able to update myself with the goings-on around me? How will I be updated of parties, events and what-have-you? Since my visa is still in process and it seems like there will be problems with it (more details later) I won't even have an office to browse some things through. Hmmm...
But with this new internet-free life, maybe my life will also become decluttered. This serves more as an experiment for me and let us see if this works.
Monday, May 28, 2007
No Sugar and All Spice
Lately, I have found myself to be a bit mean.
I am not mean to everyone just to certain people, whom honestly, I feel a bit threatened with. All my mean comments, snide remarks and sarcastic humor has mostly nothing to do with how weird these people are (although, others may agree that they are weird). It has everything to do with my sense of self-acceptance and love. I ask myself: "Why do I spend energy on being mean anyway?" Unfortunately, the answer has always been directed to how much self-esteem I have. By self-esteem, I do not mean confidence of course. By self-esteem I mean complete and unconditional love for self.
I would not say I have not been trying. I blogged about accepting people a few days back. Sometimes I succeed, lately I have failed. But then everyday is a learning process. As it is this whole process of achieving inner peace has been swinging from one end of the spectrum to another. I am not giving up though. There may be bumps but as long as I recognize the bumps, then everything becomes a huge learning process.
If anything though, my desire to be more humble has been quite successful. My faith has also gotten stronger. Best of all, I take life less seriously now and I am learning to have more fun than before.
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Please cross your fingers for my visa. I really need it soon. :(
Monday, May 21, 2007
La Visa Loca
Once again, I found myself renewing my visa in Finland and once again there is a problem! This is a never ending saga of stops and go. Argh. :( Anyway, I cannot control that now so Que Sera Sera!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Eating My Humble Pie
This MCP year, I have experienced great successes. I have been able to lead a team and a country. I have made great friends. I have become an inspiration to some.
Ironically, it was also this year fell flat on my face on numerous times. And on each fall, I would stand up and pretend unwounded and unscathed. Pride, arrogance and a fake sense of self-confidence took over. Most of the time, I denied I had failed and conditioned myself that everything happened for a reason so I need not really take time off to reflect. However, in the last few weeks I have realized how important it is to let go of my pride and self-appreciation. Painstakingly, I realized that I needed to be more humble i.e. able to accept myself fully and others as well.
I would have wanted to say that I succeeded in that already but unfortunately, I have not. I still have pride and envy running through my veins. More than that, I still have not completely let go of my tendency to judge certain people. Obviously, the process of letting go of these negative traits would be painful and long. As it is though, I am willing to be hurt and to wait.
Realizing I need to be humble and trying to be humble in the process is a weird thing. While the emotions that come with it are positive, it is much easier to be nasty, arrogant and vain. Then again, these traits are rarely anything that would help one experience well-being. In fact, it is the best way to go into an emotional downward spiral.
Eating a humble pie is as satisfying as eating any normal pie. Perhaps, it is even more delicious than anything else one can chew on. But the methods that go into making this pie is indescribably hard though I would not mind going through the process if only for the satisfaction of being full from eating this pie.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Judging Erica
One of my biggest flaws is that I am arrogant though it does not seem so obvious to so many people. I don't mean arrogance in a "you need to treat me well" way but more of arrogance by being impatient with people "I don't like."
There are only a very select and special people that catch my irk. But those who do are in for a big surprise because I can be a bit bitchy. Lately, because of some therapy (yes, I go to one, I am happy that I do) I realized that the reason I can be impatient or even angry with some people is because they represent parts of me that I hate! So obviously, my reaction is very negative about them because I don't accept this part of me as well.
For example, I always abhorred arrogant people -- those they know so much and think too much of themselves. Then after chatting with my therapist, I realized that I was as arrogant and the reason I did not like this behavior was because I recognize it in mine but have been denying that it has been there! Ain't that a revelation?
So, from now on, I really will TRY my best to refrain from judging people. After all, I may well have been judging myself. I would rather concentrate on getting to know myself really well in order to make my existence more meaningful for me and for others. :)
Friday, May 11, 2007
The Story of Mr. X
One thing that I learned over the last two months is that one secret to happiness is not understanding why things happen but rather that happiness comes when one learns to accept the events that happen and the people that come in one's life.
Let us take a case study:
Mr. X have been very depressed for a long time because his mom abandoned their family when he was 16 and his dad had to struggle to feed 5 children. Being the eldest, Mr. X had to assume more responsibility than any kid of his age need to have.
Now, Mr. X has been very unhappy because he has always tried to find out why all this happened to him. He has been quite a good person and has not really hurt other people. But he wonders why such a good person like him can experience so much pain. He wonders if he exists just because he has to suffer.
After a while, Mr. X got really tired of being sad and got a piece of paper and a pen. Instead of writing down his musings he started each sentence in his diary entry with the words, "I accept..." For example, I accept my parents because if they were different people, I would have a different set of DNA and I would not be me. I accept that my mom left us. I accept this and that. I accept...
After the exercise (which Mr. X found really tough), Mr. X became happier. He realized that he does not NEED to understand why these things happen. He just needs to accept them first and then naturally the understanding part comes. :)
The point of this story is simple. Accept yourself. Accept your life. Accept your past. Move forward. Live and learn. Life is very simple. :)
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Spot the Difference
The Finnish LCP Team BEFORE and AFTER our term - compare and contrast. :)
BEFORE
AFTER
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
The Big Man Up There
I believe in God. I am proud that I do. Some people question why I do, but I just do. I don't judge people who believe otherwise though. We are all entitled to different beliefs.
God has been extremely good to me these past few weeks. He has blessed me with a lot more than I can ever ask for. For example, opportunities I never knew existed has popped out of the blue. I am just humbled that a person as spoiled, arrogant and judgemental as I am can still be blessed.
I am just very thankful to Big Man Up There whom I consider is smarter than me and who knows what is best for me.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
One Me
I just came home after an intensively fun weekend with my LCP Team, Team Bondage. I don't think I have ever laughed nor reflected that much in a weekend. These guys are simply the best guys an MCP can ever have.
At some points during the weekend, I realized one strange yet extremely refreshing thing: these guys are not my subordinates but they are my friends! And not just any kind of friend, but friends who accept me for who I am as a person and who I was as a leader.
There was a brief moment during the last few months when I felt I needed to be normal -- dress normally, act normally, speak normally. I wanted to be "normal" because I have always been the one who asked the inappropriate questions, laughed the loudest and said the most random things, without really caring what other people thought. I was weird (and I am kind of downgrading it already by saying that since I am beyond weird). At a certain point, I did start caring about what people's opinions were of me. Guess what? I started being unhappy.
After being sick, I realized that there is no point in pretending to be something I am not. Maybe people find it strange that I wear the brightest of pink during a season when black in is, but who cares? So what if I don't treat CEO's as people more important than I am and ask them direct questions? Who cares if I dance the weirdest in the club or drink the most? Who cares really? This is my life and I will live it the best way I want to, the best way to make me happy and the best way that make me experience well being.
Of course, I still care about other people and would not really do something extreme like slap a person out of sheer pleasure. What I am trying to say is that being normal is nothing but an illusion created by an´otherwise abnormal society. What is normal in the end is loving who you are, proudly showing your true colors to others and being accepted in the process.
Why should we try to hide our flaws when everyone around us is as flawed? Who really spends time thinking about you but you? Everyone is so caught up in their little bubble that in the end it really does not matter if you were sounded stupid, if you wear the kookiest of clothes or if you have the most "regular" of jobs? Life is too short to be lived for others. In the end, the ones who really care about you, those who call your friends, do not need to be convinced you are a great person anyway.
So now I can proudly say, I accept myself, flaws, strengths and all. There is only one me in this world and I celebrate that. :)
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Make My Mind Up
I have not blogged in a long time. I tried to START blogging so many times but somehow I could not make up my mind on what to write about. Maybe I have found out that life is actually pretty simple and I don't need to overanalyze each and every event in my life. Or maybe I have just allowed myself to be with myself and not declare to the universe whether I feel happy or sad.
Whatever the reason, I don't really care. Right now, I am in a state of being. I am neither happy nor sad. I have faith in fate. I have declared that life, God and the universe are much, much smarter than I am. I have accepted that no matter how much grudge I hold against people, I should just learn to trust that life has a way of making things even out. That goes the same for me. As an old saying goes, what goes around come around. :)
So this is the end of my rather random and pointless posting. Hopefully, I'll feel wiser next time.
