Friday, September 28, 2007
Top 3 Moments with Annika
Annika and Jani
Annika and I met sometime in 2005 when we were both applying for the national office of AIESEC in Finland. Since Janne and Tomi already fed me a lot of great stories about her, I really did not have the chance to have a first impression of her. In any case, our first encounters were marked with more tension than anything because by no fault of hers, I was extremely stressed with the selection process.
Gladly, this tension dissipated and was replaced by friendship -- a friendship that in a year has been tried and tested through heaven, hell and everything in between. I know that she has accepted me for what I am and I have accepted her just the same.
There are people who come and go in your life, and I can only hope that Annika remains in my life. From Annika, I have learned how it is to be honest, to love and to be generous. I know that part of the reason why I have become so honest with myself and with others is because she (and Jani) never demanded anything but being genuine.
No matter how much I try, I could not really describe how much Annika means to me. I mean how can one describe how a person has just learned to accept you for who you are without any conditions? How can I describe the patience she has showed to me? How can I describe the concern she has shown? Well, I can´t. So I will just try to describe some of the best moments I had with this girl. :)
THE SMS IN PARIS - This still is one of my funniest memories with the Possibles. I remember getting a phone call (in distress) from Annika telling me how Jani and Shreya are fighting about bus routes to Amsterdam. At that point, I just felt so "motherly" and Annika so "daughterly." She was genuinely stressed because of the situation! For those who know Annika, you would know that this girl wants everyone to be happy and to feel special. She is a natural mediator and she will always make sure that everyone feels heard!
LIVING IN KANTSU DURING SEPTEMBER - Another one of my top memories from the term! After the International Congress in Poland, Annika and I somehow ended up homeless and we slept in the living room of Kantsu for 2-3 weeks! Everyday, we would watch movies, chat about life and just enjoy the company. It was at this point that I think we realized that we cannot really escape from each other´s lives no matter how hard we try. :) It was during this time that I saw Annika´s great way of taking care of people i.e. cleaning up, making food, etc. :)
ANNIKA VISITING ME IN THE HOSPITAL - She was my first visitor when I was sick and was my constant contact to the "outside world." She was so caring and understanding during those times that I feel very lucky that she is in my life. I know that no matter what happens I have a friend who will never ever give up on me (unless I try to kill her or something). She is a very giving soul and will go out of her to share her time, resources and love to people she cares for.
To Annika, I am glad that we ended up sharing a year of turning points. I wish you the best for the year to come. I hope our friendship will be blessed with more joyful moments. Happy, happy birthday!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
No Medal?
I won a lot of things in my life -- spelling bees, quiz bees, elections, writing contests, raffle contests, group singing contests, cheerleading competitions -- and yet I really hardly remember that I won these things.
I am just surprised that I actually have forgotten a contest when I was 11 and it has been buried in my memory for quite some time now. But I know that at that time, it was the most important thing to me and now, poof, it´s nothing!
Maybe it is because these victories are not the ones that help define who I am. Though it is great to win some things, what matters essentially are experiences where victory was defined by one´s self. For me, victory happens when I learn to trust a person again after a long time of mistrust, regaining a lost friendship, helping others, being joyful inspite of... ;)
This morning, I feel like a winner. I feel like that because last night, I learned to open up again. I learned to be honest with a friend once again. I am a winner because I am a work in progress and so far, I think the result will eventually be one hell of a person. :) Hahaha! :) Just kidding. Well I am sure I will be a better person in any case.
Hmm, I wonder what kind of personal reward system I should have? :)
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
It´s Now or Never
There comes a point in one´s life when memories become bigger than their dreams. When stories of past glories and loves crumble stories of future rewards and relationships.
But why should there always be a secret battle between our dreams and our memories. I was talking to my therapist the other day and she said that the reason why most people are unhappy is because people are so stuck regretting about their past or planning their future. If people just learn to concentrate on the NOW, life would be much happier.
I believe what she said is true. I know we have all read the benefits of yoga, meditation and all that but this is not an entry about that. I think, very simply we feel most alive when we just become more conscious of where we are at that very given moment. I know of some people who de-stress by going to Body Pump classes at the gym because they do not need to think. Although the release of endorphins may contribute to the un-stress, I think one of the reasons it helps people relax is that they put all their thoughts of past or future away in the corners of their mind and CONCENTRATE on what is present i.e. the screams and shouts of the gym instructor.
Just this morning, I practiced a very "Erica-ish" way of doing meditation. I mean no more counting from one to a hundred, I just moved my toes a bit, concentrated on listening to the clock ticking in my room, felt the sheets that covered me and smelled the autumn. I just felt that I was there, present in my otherwise unorganized room. I actually felt cried when I did this but then I felt great that I cried because I believe this was the repressed emotion in me coming out. It does not mean I am sad, it just means I am human.
Being present, enjoying the now and embracing the current is more difficult than it seems. It is not because we are all stuck in the past or because we are too ambitious about the future. Somehow, I feel it is hard to be present because we are afraid to face the current version of ourselves. Usually, those who dare face who they are now mean facing the demons that we have thought we had hidden and embracing the possibility that the future we have thought of may never come. It is when we face the present that we realize how much pain there is hidden in us. And yes, it is a painful process but then again, there is an upside to this since it is inevitable that the joy residing in our hearts will also surface.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Is Life Just One Big Crisis?
I was reading through Elli´s blog yesterday and she mentioned a crisis that happens to people when they reach 30. Hmm, so there is adolescence, quarterlife crisis, 30s crisis, midlife crisis, menopause. So it seems we just jump from one crisis to another.
I would want to believe that life is not all about surviving crises. :)
Friday, September 21, 2007
Stress and Sensibility
I read on MSN.com a few years ago that the most recognized English word in Japan is stress. I am not turning Japanese but it is currently my most recognized emotion. I was born a worrywart and though I have improved a lot, I am still one.
Anyway, today I am stressed. And the funny thing is I absolutely have no reason to be! I have a nice job whose demands I can still meet. I have wonderful and supportive friends. I have a great family. I have enough money. I have a great life. :) So why am I stressed? Well, now that I am writing this entry, I realize it+s because my mind is hyperactive.
For the most part of my life, having an overactive mind usually means that my creative juices flowing and my philosophical thoughts are overflowing. Then again, this also also causes me unnnecessary stress.
Everything in life has a plus and minus. As I have always believed one´s biggest strength is also his/her biggest weakness. I mean, sure, I am deep, intelligent, mature, blah, blah. But I am also constantly stressed! Ho-hum! :)
Indeed, I should make an effort to make sure that I get the most out of stress and not the other way around. :)
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Some Non-It Books
Since I have been a kid, I have always been reading a lot. There were years in my life where I just read a handful of books a year. Lately though, because of my frequent train rides, internet-free home and a general thirst for extra information, I have been reading a lot. Anyway, here are some non-"IT" books I have read over the years and which I recommend. :)
WHY SMART PEOPLE MAKE STUPID MONEY MISTAKES AND HOW TO CORRECT THEM - Well, this is my first economic psychology book. I read it some 5 years back and some of the lessons still ring in my head. For example, this is the reason why I will never attempt to paint my own room or assemble my own furniture just because the opportunity cost is far greater than the actual cost. :) Quite an interesting read.
SUCCESS SYNDROME - A psychological explanation that indeed the race is far more exciting than the finish line.
21 INDISPENSABLE QUALITIES OF A LEADER - Written by John C. Maxwell and is a real nice book to read when you want to read something, learn from it and don´t have the time otherwise.
FURTHER ALONG THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED - A sequel to The Road Less Travelled, it explores how faith evolves and devolves.
HYPNOSIS FOR BEGINNERS- More than anything it made me realize the power of the unconscious. I am more Jungian than Freudian but this is a really nice book!
Well, these are what comes to my mind so far. I can update you later if I come up with more.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Switch On, Switch Off
I have been quite happy the past days but every now and then a pinch of sadness is felt by my heart. I have come to a point that every person I invest extra time in has become dear to me.
When that "investment" is not treated nicely and disregarded as if it were trash easily disposable to the nearest bin, you have no choice but to get hurt. I always believed in the power of choices, but a lot of times in life, you find that there are people you did not choose and yet you care for.
It would be nice to just not care and let the good get washed over by the bad. But as a believer in the good of people, I just cannot switch on and off on caring for certain people. I live a life away from my family. Relationships matter more to me than I can ever totally describe.
But now, I am left without a choice but to switch off.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Is Life Fair? No!
I think the biggest lie we can ever tell ourselves is that life is fair. After living in Finland for three years and comparing how comfortably people live here and how poor people are in the Philippines, I can say life is not fair. I mean, what are the reasons why one is born a Finn and one is born a Filipino other than people participating in life lottery?
In this sense, I can really understand why some people do not believe in a Higher Being (a.k.a. God). We all have this notion that God is all-powerful and has control over everything. Because he is in control, God seems mean and cruel sometimes. I mean, how the hell can you explain why some people were born with disabilities? Or why some people happen to be born in countries like Indonesia which is prone to tsunamis? If God is all so powerful and has total control of everything, isn´t he a bit mean?
So a lot of people question, if there is a God, why does He choose to make people suffer? Why does He choose to make a person born blind or a family born poor? It seems that God is this mean puppeteer where His puppets have no choice but to follow His dictates and commands.
I was in the same thought process for a while, until I had another one of my "AHA!" moments. I realized God is not really THAT powerful. He stopped being so the moment man evolved and developed the brain capacity to choose his own path. It does not make sense for man to have free will and have a predetermined destiny at the same time.
From what I gather, this is what happened. The universe was created out of a single energy so powerful that it has evolved into the world we know of today. That one energy, that one source, may have been created by God or maybe was/is God Himself. Who knows? Anyway, the minute it started evolving, in a way God lost control. And yet, because the source was so PERFECT, it developed into all things that make up nature today - a system that is actually quite well-organized if I must say.
So my conclusion is that God is powerful but is not really in total control. He is not the God of the Old Testament that would give boils just because He was angry at you. But what is still true, is that God is love and energy. The more we experience and accept this love, the more good things happen to us. We receive what we give and vice versa. If we are abundant in good spirit, one day the world will agree with us. :)
So is life fair? Well, initially no. I mean I did not choose the life I was born into but I am choosing the life I will leave behind. In every situation, every worry, every success, it is important for me to ask the question -- what can I or should I do with this now? And guided by love and optimism, I know I can only come up with a good answer.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Sick!
I seriously do not know what is wrong with me. I am once again feeling some pain and this time I need to go to the doctor. I am really scared because you never know what comes up in those exams. Then again, if I never go, then pretending nothing is wrong is even worse.
Facing reality is sometimes the hardest thing we need to ever do in our lives. I really wish that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. For the last few months, I have been quite a sickly girl and I am really getting tired of this.
Well I cannot really blame my body though. I do not think I was the nicest person to it. I abuse it knowing that it has a limit.
Oh I hope I do not have anything serious. :( Please include my health in your prayers.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
A Future Graduate
I have been pressuring myself to write something philosophical for the last, oh, 12 hours. Unfortunately, nothing came out of the pressure. Instead, I am writing this blog entry and I have no idea where this is actually going. Then again, maybe it is better that way. Maybe, it is better that I just go with the flow and write whatever pops into my head.
As in my blog entry, is life really better off planned? People always ask me if I plan to stay in Finland for good. I usually answer with a shrug and a smile. I know that I am here now because being here currently teaches me how to love myself more and more. When the time comes, that I feel like I have learned the lesson I was intended to learn here, I will move on. Otherwise, my feet are planted on this part of the planet.
I do not decide what to do, where to live, who to be friends with, based on the "opportunities" a place has. Opportunities are what you make of what is around you. Anything and everything is an opportunity. Your actions, your choices determine whether something good comes out of it. Rather, I decide based on what I feel would make me a better soul. I have already graduated from the thought that your job and your wealth determine your success. For me, being successful means being able to enjoy and learn from life.
I feel actually quite lucky that I feel this way at 26. A lot of the people I know still define themselves by external factors like wealth, fame, fortune, a Hummer, a mansion or what-have-you.
I am definitely not saying that I will give up my comforts and live like a pauper. What I am getting at is that for me, the numero uno priority is my well-being. I choose not to compromise my health and peace of mind for a future that might never come. For example, the reason why I am so excited about my business is not because I want to be a mega millionaire (though I am pretty sure I will be) but because the business idea is good (and quite noble, if I can say that) and because I enjoy the process of learning to be an entrepreneur.
I suppose I can say that for me, life has indeed become one HUGE learning opportunity. I hope to graduate with honors.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Different Shades of Gray
When does self-acceptance and self-improvement meet?
Everyday, I find that I accept myself more and more. For the most part, I like the process, I feel happier, more peaceful and grateful. However, whenever I am faced to accept yet one more idiosyncracy or complexity, I begin resenting that I am the person I am. So, like any other good girl, I mentally promise that I will become a better person and try my best to improve.
For example, I have always been honest enough not to pretend to like someone if my gut feel and/or experience says that this person is bad news (so to speak). But then again, I question myself as to why I box myself in this judgement and go out of my way to become friendly. The thing is sometimes, I talk to these people out of guilt -- a real bad motivation I must say. ;)
So because of my honesty, I have become a snob to some people. I mean, honesty is supposed to be a good thing right? And yet, it reaps some bad side effects. My strength has also become my weakness.
Goes to show that life can never be black OR white. Most of the time I find myself in different shades of gray.
The thing is the more I see facets of myself that I once refused to see, the longer my self-improvement list is. (Actually, the list is so long, it is scary. Har har!) And in these moments of self-reflection, I often turn inwards and connect with my spiritual side and pray to become a better person.
As always, life does not really give me a tested recipe on how to be a better person since being a better person means differently to every person. Instead, I am given the chances to become better and in those chances, I have a choice -- either to improve or stand still.
I think that is what happened to me these last years. I prayed and wanted to be more spiritual, to find more purpose in my life and to have love in my life. Instead of one day waking up and feeling like I am on a high, I actually woke up with a sense of emptiness that took years to be filled. It was never in the moments of achievement that the void was filled. It was in the moments of despair that I found that life is worth being grateful for. Instead of being given the chance to have love given to me from outside, I was taught that I needed to learn to love myself unconditionally before anything or anyone else.
And so I ask, what do you wish to improve in yourself beyond what would make you a better colleague or employee or student? I mean, what in your deeepest core have you refused to accept about yourself? I for one, never admitted out loud that I was this narcissistic, self-righteous and obnoxious person until I learned what humility and kindness really meant.
I found a very good quote from Evan Almighty and I want to share this with you as a conclusion of what I have learned so far. :)
GOD: "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"
One Year at A Time! Happy Birthday Bloggie!
One year ago, I started this blog amidst the turmoil of my life. I started it with the hope that inspite all the trouble that came my way, I would be reminded of how beautiful it is to be alive, how grateful I am for the people in my life and how lucky I am that inspite all the challenges, I am still standing. The hope came into reality albeit every so often, I ranted about the most painful things I was going through. Since the inception of this blog, I have survived a physical burn out, a €6.000 debt, a failed friendship, moving house for 5 times, etc. I have grown a lot over the year and my growth has been documented here.
I thank you, whoever you are who continues to read my blog (hehe), for the year that you shared with me. I thank you for allowing me to be part of your life. I thank you for reading and maybe feeling my pain, happiness and gratitude. I thank you for sharing a year in my life. I thank you for making me realize that life is really a beautiful gift worth celebrating one day at a time.
Here is to more entries and years ahead. :)
Monday, September 03, 2007
A Million to None
Every morning I wake up thinking about what I should write on this blog and every day I end up writing about something I did not really plan to write about. Albeit the end result has always been good (or so I think), I wonder how a million (blog) ideas can turn into none.
I guess, all of us have a million ideas in our heads. Yet, very few of us act on these ideas. For example, in the last x amount of weeks I have thought of a lot of business ideas. However, of those I have only chosen to act on one. I know that focusing on one solid idea is good business sense. However, I cannot help but think how great it would be to act on every darn idea I have.
But, I have to accept my physical and time limitations as a human being. The thing is after my MCP year, I just want to have a life outside of work. Arguably, people will say but when you do your passion you are barely working. That is true. But my passion currently is to just live and enjoy life as much as time allows me to. For me, enjoying life means having weekends and nights off or spending half a day during the weekend doing nothing or spending time catching up with friends.
In my ideal world, I can work like a trained horse and still be able to keep my well-being intact. Unfortunately, I tried to do that and failed. (Remember my health problems?) So currently, I choose to take it slow and try to achieve a certain balance in my existence.
Even with a million ideas lost or not acted upon, I am pretty sure I would not regret choosing to just do one thing. The thing is I define success as being able to live life as it should be lived -- with happiness, joy and well, good health. So, even without the millions or the prestige, I can say that I am already successful. :)
