Thursday, November 29, 2007
Political Unrest in Manila
What is happening now? My country is currently chaotic. Watch this as a hotel in Manila was sieged by rebel soldiers and the opposition.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Naughty or Nice?
Since I now live in the place where Santa is actually from, I have been thinking if I have been naughty or nice this year. Well, not that my opinion matters when they make up the list in the North Pole but at least I can present my case to the great bearded one and finally cajole him to give me a really cute puppy.
Therefore, the great debate is is this: Has Erica been naughty or nice this year? Since I am really an honest person, I can (with much humor) admit that I have been more naughty than nice. If I were to write my autobiography, I would definitely make an entire chapter of 2007. It is the year when I found myself, made peace with aspects of my life that I cannot change and looked forward to a life ahead. However, since those three were profound realizations, the depth of my wisdom came with much suffering, anguish and teeth-grinding nights. I complained. I was angry. I was sad. I pushed people away. I was dramatic. I was selfish. I was miserable. I was self-deprecating. I was not the person I should have been. I was different.
No matter how sympathetic Santa might be, if his categories of being naughty or nice has not changed throughout the years, then I will definitely in the naughty category.
So this year, I will have to settle with no puppy from Santa but at least I can say I grew wiser this year. 2007 made me naughty and wise. I think that still calls for celebration.
To Santa, please make sure you prepare the million euro transfer to my bank account for the end of 2008. You will definitely put me on the list next year. :)
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Facing Facebook
There are a million sites where people can connect to old acquaintances, school mates, club mates, etc. Apparently, there is an ultimate site called Facebook. Almost everyone I know in Finland has an account. I have been invited several times to join it. Until now though, I have opted not to register.
It is not that I am a snob or that I feel that the connections I have made through the years are not worth keeping. However, I have realized during the past few months that I am a bit tired of keeping superficial connections with people in general. I am not saying that there is no chance that I will become great friends with people I met once or twice. I am just saying that at this point in my life, I find it more important to concentrate my energy on a few people and build my relationship with them. I am sure I am missing out on a lot by not signing on to these online friendship platforms but it is a decision I need to live with for a while. As a great believer in fate and good luck, I am confident that I would not miss out on great people by not being "online."
Anyway, I have this blog. I hope this is enough for now. :)
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Death and Birth
Today is the 14th death anniversary of my mom and tomorrow is my dad´s birthday. Life cannot be more extreme than that. ;)
To Mama, thank you for the great 12 years. To Papa, thank you for the last 26 years. I wish you the best of health and peace of mind.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Freezing and Boiling in A Day
As I sat in my 10-minute 100-degree sauna bath today, I realized that five years ago, I was sitting in a sauna in Manila with a sign warning me that I should: (a) Move out of the sauna after five minutes and (b) The temperature should never be above 40 degrees. According to the sign, I will die if I fail to comply. Okay, maybe they said I will have a heart failure not exactly die. However, I am still alive and last time I checked I still have a pulse. Was the sign just a hoax or are Finnish people weird or maybe Finns have superpowers? I would vote for the sign being a hoax because a nation of 5-million people which have survived the ironically comforting sauna could not be wrong.
I think what makes a Sauna good is because for those few minutes, your blood is literally at boiling point AND you know what they say about repressed anger (that it kills you at some point, haha). So sauna provides a way to release that negative emotion.
Okay, maybe my theory is off-the-mark. In any case, sauna is good especially when it is almost 0 degrees (the freezing point) outside. Imagine that, being boiled and frozen the very same day! All I can say is that this is part of the joy of being in Finland. :)
Monday, November 19, 2007
Click vs Cluck
Every Monday morning, I open my Blogger account and start typing like crazy only to delete those posts. Today is like no other. I had very good points in my head but all of them fell prey to the blogging evil that is called "backspace."
For a girl like me whose thoughts seem to appear and disappear at lightning speed, it is hard to just write about one topic after a weekend of reflecting, partying and reading. It seems that at every minute, something starts clicking in my mind and things start making more sense. Mind you, it was not like this before. Instead of clicking moments, I just had a lot of clucking moments i.e. moments when you feel like a headless chicken waiting to be processed into fastfood oblivion.
I am flooded by clicking moments because I am ready to understand them. So many times, when people come to me for advice, I just tell them that: (a) I understand them and (b) Everything has an end. We all struggle in our different ways because we were all born different. The common thread that exists among all of us is that we think and we feel. Oftentimes, the source of so much personal conflict is the struggle between the mind and the heart. I have come to understand, however, that there is really no existing conflict between the two. It just takes time for them to meet and merge into one beautiful dance number but when they do -- Ah, the beauty. :)
Currently, my mind and my heart are engaged in this dance number. I am sure though that one day, the music will stop. Unlike before, I am confident that even though they have ceased to dance together, they are just taking a pause to cheoreograph an even more breathtaking number. When that happens, I would definitely want to be in the front row. :)
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Mad Life Moody
I have always mentioned in this blog that life can be compared to a roller coaster. However, after some events that happened recently, I want to issue a public apology and correct that life is not like a roller coaster.
If life were a roller coaster, we would know when it would end, how each turn will be made and see very clearly when we are going downhill after being on top. As we all know, life is hardly that predictable. Although we may have an idea of what is coming, we never know what happens until we get there.
The best I can offer is to define that life is moody and that it can swing in any direction that it wants to swing to. I am lucky that now it seems to want to swing into the direction where I want it to go to. I am always on this paranoid lookout though trying to protect myself from the harsh things that may come my way.
Anyway, the best way to combat life´s moodiness is to be not so moody yourself. How that is possible is still a mystery to everyone, especially to women. :) Hahaha!
Monday, November 12, 2007
Falling for Fall
I used to hate the fall. I hated the sloshy streets, the dark days and even darker nights, the gloomy people walking on the streets. Nowadays though, I have come to like, even love, this season.
I like fall because of the melancholy and peace it seems to force out of me. I like that it forces me to look forward to the first drop of snow or to appreciate the 3-hour sunshine Helsinki has to offer. I like that at the back of my mind, I am looking forward to Christmas and my birthday.
A lot of people do not like fall. I can understand them. However, I feel that as one matures, one learns to appreciate the fall because when you feel a certain peace and calm during this season, you know that it is not superficial. I for one know that my happiness now comes from something deep within me, from somewhere I have never believed existed. I mean, it is easy to be happy and frantic in the summer, especially since everyone seems to be on drugs at that time (hehe) BUT to feel so blessed at the gloomiest time of the year just means that one has crossed the almost invisible line between self-depreciation and genuine self-esteem. Luckily for me, I have crossed that line.
I know of many now who are still wondering whether that line exists in their lives. The good news is that I am sure it does. The bad news is that it took me 14 years to figure it out. But no fret, I am sure you are way smarter than me. :)
There are many books on how to discover happiness, many techniques taught, some studies done, at the very core of it, there is really no formula to happiness. I became happier once I revisited my faith. Some become happier when they find a wife or a husband. Some become happier when they finally earn that million dollars. Some become happier by simply being able to walk and talk.
The pursuit of happiness is actually just a pursuit of one´s self. We spend so much time running away from who we are while paradoxically saying we want to find ourselves. But why are we always running away from who we are? Why aren´t we trained to love ourselves genuinely? I suppose it is because our greatest gift as human beings is also our greatest flaw i.e. we think and feel too much.
But with this thinking and feeling comes a genuine sense of living. Once you look remember those laugh-out-loud moments with family and friends, look at pictures of vacations that passed and listen to those heartwarming songs that remind you of a loved one or a friend, you will realize that life felt wonderful back then. There isn´t a reason why it would not be now, is there? :)
Friday, November 09, 2007
Intelligence Bullshit
I have always prided myself for being blessed with intelligence. I remember very early on that I always got good grades in spite of the fact that I was lazy. Later on, I needed to work a bit harder to stay on top but still my effort was not that much. It was easy for me to memorize, analyze and well do stuff. I was also in the student council, choir, and what one would call one of those "great" students.
However, now that I am older, I realize how grades do not really measure a person´s intelligence. It just measures one´s ability to try to fit within the norms of a system made up by people obsessed with systems. While it is true that having good grades can open up doors of opportunities, what people fail to mention is that it does not really mean you would know how to enter those doors.
I am mentioning this now because I have been reviewing for my GMAT and TOEFL exams as much as I have been browsing through schools. Some school´s requirements are just too clinical for me! I have read through requirements that do not even ask for motivation letters or CVs of recommendation letters. After 5 years of work experience, one of which was spent leading a national organization (with a -20k loss and later on gaining +70k more), how the hell do my grades 5 years ago measure whether I am good enough or not? I mean my GPA was 3.20 (out of 4) which sounds good but it does not mention that I was Secretary General of the Student Council or that I sang in a choir or that I was nominated to get the Departmental Award. So in the end, I could have gotten a better GPA if I dedicated my hours on studying!
In a way, I have gained extra respect for universities that try their best to see a more complete picture of the person applying. Call it being older or (hopefully) being wiser, but I seriously doubt that these schools merely looking for people with good grades or high scores would really get the best kind of people. Of course, grades are important but it is not the ONLY way to measure a candidate´s potential.
But then again, maybe I am not fit to be in those kinds of schools. I am already wired very differently from normal people anyway. This is just a confirmation that I can only blossom in places where one is celebrated for who she is and who she wishes to become. :)
Thursday, November 08, 2007
When Dreams Are About to Come True
I have butterflies in my stomach! I finally admitted to myself that there is one thing I want to do -- to study again and open up a business. Although I have been openly mentioning about this in the past, I find it hard to walk the talk.
Why was it so hard to actually admit to myself? Well mainly because I am afraid to leave my "comfy life." If I study, that means I need to spend my own money and that I would need to stall success for two more years. Since I am in Finland and living alone, the decision is a bit more complicated.
Now, I have decided to STOP the excuses and just go for gold. As a minor step, I actually am taking the TOEFL (Test of English as Foreign Language) and GMAT (General Management Assessment Test. I am bit afraid because I am rusty now especially with my Math. But if I work well enough it will pay off.
I feel really alive again. I feel happy. I feel excellent! I think this is what happens when dreams will finally come true. :)
Monday, November 05, 2007
A Leading Moment
It is true that being a leader is difficult. I think more than all the pressure to produce results and make things happen, it is hard because you have to struggle with yourself all the time. While at one end of the spectrum, you are motivating people, on the other end, you find yourself in need of motivation.
Anyway, for the past few months I was feeling insecure. In an organization like AIESEC that moves damn fast, it is rarely visible to you what good you have done for the organization. However, this weekend, while I was enjoying my new role as part of the Trainers Team, a delegate told me that he knew me by reputation and that people have been telling him that I did a great job last year. :)
It felt really good to hear that because it was unexpected and to be honest, I was in any case happy without that compliment. The comment just added some ice cream to my brownie (yum)!
So for all leaders out there, I know how it feels to feel lonely, insecure and to be in need of that validation that no one ever gives or if they do feel really empty. Whatever you feel it is normal. Just do not dwell on it. What is important is that when you write that autobiography of yours in ten or twenty years, you can honestly and happily say, "I may have had a tough life, but I have no regrets." :)
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Seeing Scars
Erica, Tomi and Hopsu (Spring 2007)
This picture was taken seven months ago. You would have not guessed but when this photo was taken I was fresh out of the hospital and was out of my luck. Back then, I had no prospect of a job, I felt alone and I was just plain sad.
Fast forward to now -- I am peaceful, hopeful and very much in tune with life.
It is true that nothing is temporary in this world and while looking at this picture I cannot even really imagine what was going on in my head back then. This person you now see seem so integral yet so separate from the person who is now dutifully typing on her keyboard. So much has changed since then. So much has been learned and so much has been re-learned.
However, though much has changed since then, I cannot help but wonder what if things were different, life did not feel so cruel or that I did not feel so weak. What if I were the person I am now back then? Would I have handled things differently?
While what I learned will forever remain in my heart, I know that my experience back then will forever leave a scar. As scars go, they do not really hurt all the time, bút when you look at it, you are reminded that once in your life you were wounded so deeply that it needed to leave a mark on you.
I know I am happy now but I also know that fundamentally, I am forever changed because of what happened in my recent past. While everything may have happened for a reason, these reasons seem to escape me when I look at the scars this experience has inflicted.
Yet, I am strong person. I have fought my battles and won the war. I am convinced of my goodness as a human being and even more convinced that I deserve a lot of good things. Yet, I am a different person and while I love the person I became, I realize that loving oneself is a constant process that needs dedication and understanding.
I accept that the scars of my life will remain etched in my soul. But in the end, who cares? It is better to have been scarred and still be thankful for being alive than to live a life of relative ease and feign in ignorance. I am who I am - no more, no less.
