One Day at a Time

My New Blog!

2008-02-15T17:10:00.002+02:00

Go visit Erica is Rich, my new blog. :)

Time to Close Shop

2007-12-03T13:20:00.000+02:00

I have spent the last one and a half years writing on this blog and I will spend the rest of my years not doing so.

This weekend, I have finally decided that it was time to close shop and to stop updating this blog. My reasons were not many but they were compelling. This blog ties me down to a past that I no longer want to live in. I want not only to move on but to grow up.

This weekend I felt that I have become a different person. Yet, people around me choose to see me as the person I once was. While that person is someone I love and understand, I would rather leave that person behind now and move on with a vengeance and much love.

I am a lone soldier. While there are people who care for and love me, people will never ever fully understand me. To be able to get me, one needs to step into my shoes -- a pair that is worn out yet durable and timeless. At a young age, I was already questioning my existence. I have always been different and have always thought in terms that were a bit more advanced for my peers and sometimes even for the times. I went through so much emotional lashes that no one has had the privilege on hearing the full story. I have also received so much blessings which I believe has kept me alive until now. And those blessings, I have also failed to mention or share.

Then again, that is the point of my finally putting a period in this long experience. I have chosen to share snippets of me and kept a big part of who I am. Yet, I have given so much about myself that I feel that some people have put me in imaginary boxes with boundaries that are impenetrable.

I have been happy to have shared a year and a half of my life with you. It has been my privilege that some of you found enjoyment in my musings and reflections. However, I need to grow up. I want to move on. I want to be me.

It is closing time. It has been a pleasure. Thank you for being with me.

----

If you want to keep in touch, please email me through erica.cleofe@gmail.com. May God bless each and everyone of you.

Political Unrest in Manila

2007-11-29T12:26:00.000+02:00

What is happening now? My country is currently chaotic. Watch this as a hotel in Manila was sieged by rebel soldiers and the opposition.

Naughty or Nice?

2007-11-28T12:09:00.000+02:00

Since I now live in the place where Santa is actually from, I have been thinking if I have been naughty or nice this year. Well, not that my opinion matters when they make up the list in the North Pole but at least I can present my case to the great bearded one and finally cajole him to give me a really cute puppy.

Therefore, the great debate is is this: Has Erica been naughty or nice this year? Since I am really an honest person, I can (with much humor) admit that I have been more naughty than nice. If I were to write my autobiography, I would definitely make an entire chapter of 2007. It is the year when I found myself, made peace with aspects of my life that I cannot change and looked forward to a life ahead. However, since those three were profound realizations, the depth of my wisdom came with much suffering, anguish and teeth-grinding nights. I complained. I was angry. I was sad. I pushed people away. I was dramatic. I was selfish. I was miserable. I was self-deprecating. I was not the person I should have been. I was different.

No matter how sympathetic Santa might be, if his categories of being naughty or nice has not changed throughout the years, then I will definitely in the naughty category.

So this year, I will have to settle with no puppy from Santa but at least I can say I grew wiser this year. 2007 made me naughty and wise. I think that still calls for celebration.

To Santa, please make sure you prepare the million euro transfer to my bank account for the end of 2008. You will definitely put me on the list next year. :)

Facing Facebook

2007-11-27T09:54:00.000+02:00

There are a million sites where people can connect to old acquaintances, school mates, club mates, etc. Apparently, there is an ultimate site called Facebook. Almost everyone I know in Finland has an account. I have been invited several times to join it. Until now though, I have opted not to register.

It is not that I am a snob or that I feel that the connections I have made through the years are not worth keeping. However, I have realized during the past few months that I am a bit tired of keeping superficial connections with people in general. I am not saying that there is no chance that I will become great friends with people I met once or twice. I am just saying that at this point in my life, I find it more important to concentrate my energy on a few people and build my relationship with them. I am sure I am missing out on a lot by not signing on to these online friendship platforms but it is a decision I need to live with for a while. As a great believer in fate and good luck, I am confident that I would not miss out on great people by not being "online."

Anyway, I have this blog. I hope this is enough for now. :)

Death and Birth

2007-11-25T20:59:00.000+02:00

Today is the 14th death anniversary of my mom and tomorrow is my dad´s birthday. Life cannot be more extreme than that. ;)

To Mama, thank you for the great 12 years. To Papa, thank you for the last 26 years. I wish you the best of health and peace of mind.

Freezing and Boiling in A Day

2007-11-22T12:10:00.000+02:00

As I sat in my 10-minute 100-degree sauna bath today, I realized that five years ago, I was sitting in a sauna in Manila with a sign warning me that I should: (a) Move out of the sauna after five minutes and (b) The temperature should never be above 40 degrees. According to the sign, I will die if I fail to comply. Okay, maybe they said I will have a heart failure not exactly die. However, I am still alive and last time I checked I still have a pulse. Was the sign just a hoax or are Finnish people weird or maybe Finns have superpowers? I would vote for the sign being a hoax because a nation of 5-million people which have survived the ironically comforting sauna could not be wrong.

I think what makes a Sauna good is because for those few minutes, your blood is literally at boiling point AND you know what they say about repressed anger (that it kills you at some point, haha). So sauna provides a way to release that negative emotion.

Okay, maybe my theory is off-the-mark. In any case, sauna is good especially when it is almost 0 degrees (the freezing point) outside. Imagine that, being boiled and frozen the very same day! All I can say is that this is part of the joy of being in Finland. :)

Click vs Cluck

2007-11-19T12:21:00.000+02:00

Every Monday morning, I open my Blogger account and start typing like crazy only to delete those posts. Today is like no other. I had very good points in my head but all of them fell prey to the blogging evil that is called "backspace."

For a girl like me whose thoughts seem to appear and disappear at lightning speed, it is hard to just write about one topic after a weekend of reflecting, partying and reading. It seems that at every minute, something starts clicking in my mind and things start making more sense. Mind you, it was not like this before. Instead of clicking moments, I just had a lot of clucking moments i.e. moments when you feel like a headless chicken waiting to be processed into fastfood oblivion.

I am flooded by clicking moments because I am ready to understand them. So many times, when people come to me for advice, I just tell them that: (a) I understand them and (b) Everything has an end. We all struggle in our different ways because we were all born different. The common thread that exists among all of us is that we think and we feel. Oftentimes, the source of so much personal conflict is the struggle between the mind and the heart. I have come to understand, however, that there is really no existing conflict between the two. It just takes time for them to meet and merge into one beautiful dance number but when they do -- Ah, the beauty. :)

Currently, my mind and my heart are engaged in this dance number. I am sure though that one day, the music will stop. Unlike before, I am confident that even though they have ceased to dance together, they are just taking a pause to cheoreograph an even more breathtaking number. When that happens, I would definitely want to be in the front row. :)

Mad Life Moody

2007-11-14T14:28:00.000+02:00

I have always mentioned in this blog that life can be compared to a roller coaster. However, after some events that happened recently, I want to issue a public apology and correct that life is not like a roller coaster.

If life were a roller coaster, we would know when it would end, how each turn will be made and see very clearly when we are going downhill after being on top. As we all know, life is hardly that predictable. Although we may have an idea of what is coming, we never know what happens until we get there.

The best I can offer is to define that life is moody and that it can swing in any direction that it wants to swing to. I am lucky that now it seems to want to swing into the direction where I want it to go to. I am always on this paranoid lookout though trying to protect myself from the harsh things that may come my way.

Anyway, the best way to combat life´s moodiness is to be not so moody yourself. How that is possible is still a mystery to everyone, especially to women. :) Hahaha!

Falling for Fall

2007-11-12T14:21:00.000+02:00

I used to hate the fall. I hated the sloshy streets, the dark days and even darker nights, the gloomy people walking on the streets. Nowadays though, I have come to like, even love, this season.

I like fall because of the melancholy and peace it seems to force out of me. I like that it forces me to look forward to the first drop of snow or to appreciate the 3-hour sunshine Helsinki has to offer. I like that at the back of my mind, I am looking forward to Christmas and my birthday.

A lot of people do not like fall. I can understand them. However, I feel that as one matures, one learns to appreciate the fall because when you feel a certain peace and calm during this season, you know that it is not superficial. I for one know that my happiness now comes from something deep within me, from somewhere I have never believed existed. I mean, it is easy to be happy and frantic in the summer, especially since everyone seems to be on drugs at that time (hehe) BUT to feel so blessed at the gloomiest time of the year just means that one has crossed the almost invisible line between self-depreciation and genuine self-esteem. Luckily for me, I have crossed that line.

I know of many now who are still wondering whether that line exists in their lives. The good news is that I am sure it does. The bad news is that it took me 14 years to figure it out. But no fret, I am sure you are way smarter than me. :)

There are many books on how to discover happiness, many techniques taught, some studies done, at the very core of it, there is really no formula to happiness. I became happier once I revisited my faith. Some become happier when they find a wife or a husband. Some become happier when they finally earn that million dollars. Some become happier by simply being able to walk and talk.

The pursuit of happiness is actually just a pursuit of one´s self. We spend so much time running away from who we are while paradoxically saying we want to find ourselves. But why are we always running away from who we are? Why aren´t we trained to love ourselves genuinely? I suppose it is because our greatest gift as human beings is also our greatest flaw i.e. we think and feel too much.

But with this thinking and feeling comes a genuine sense of living. Once you look remember those laugh-out-loud moments with family and friends, look at pictures of vacations that passed and listen to those heartwarming songs that remind you of a loved one or a friend, you will realize that life felt wonderful back then. There isn´t a reason why it would not be now, is there? :)

Intelligence Bullshit

2007-11-09T12:22:00.000+02:00

I have always prided myself for being blessed with intelligence. I remember very early on that I always got good grades in spite of the fact that I was lazy. Later on, I needed to work a bit harder to stay on top but still my effort was not that much. It was easy for me to memorize, analyze and well do stuff. I was also in the student council, choir, and what one would call one of those "great" students.

However, now that I am older, I realize how grades do not really measure a person´s intelligence. It just measures one´s ability to try to fit within the norms of a system made up by people obsessed with systems. While it is true that having good grades can open up doors of opportunities, what people fail to mention is that it does not really mean you would know how to enter those doors.

I am mentioning this now because I have been reviewing for my GMAT and TOEFL exams as much as I have been browsing through schools. Some school´s requirements are just too clinical for me! I have read through requirements that do not even ask for motivation letters or CVs of recommendation letters. After 5 years of work experience, one of which was spent leading a national organization (with a -20k loss and later on gaining +70k more), how the hell do my grades 5 years ago measure whether I am good enough or not? I mean my GPA was 3.20 (out of 4) which sounds good but it does not mention that I was Secretary General of the Student Council or that I sang in a choir or that I was nominated to get the Departmental Award. So in the end, I could have gotten a better GPA if I dedicated my hours on studying!

In a way, I have gained extra respect for universities that try their best to see a more complete picture of the person applying. Call it being older or (hopefully) being wiser, but I seriously doubt that these schools merely looking for people with good grades or high scores would really get the best kind of people. Of course, grades are important but it is not the ONLY way to measure a candidate´s potential.

But then again, maybe I am not fit to be in those kinds of schools. I am already wired very differently from normal people anyway. This is just a confirmation that I can only blossom in places where one is celebrated for who she is and who she wishes to become. :)

When Dreams Are About to Come True

2007-11-08T12:16:00.000+02:00

I have butterflies in my stomach! I finally admitted to myself that there is one thing I want to do -- to study again and open up a business. Although I have been openly mentioning about this in the past, I find it hard to walk the talk.

Why was it so hard to actually admit to myself? Well mainly because I am afraid to leave my "comfy life." If I study, that means I need to spend my own money and that I would need to stall success for two more years. Since I am in Finland and living alone, the decision is a bit more complicated.

Now, I have decided to STOP the excuses and just go for gold. As a minor step, I actually am taking the TOEFL (Test of English as Foreign Language) and GMAT (General Management Assessment Test. I am bit afraid because I am rusty now especially with my Math. But if I work well enough it will pay off.

I feel really alive again. I feel happy. I feel excellent! I think this is what happens when dreams will finally come true. :)

A Leading Moment

2007-11-05T14:30:00.000+02:00

It is true that being a leader is difficult. I think more than all the pressure to produce results and make things happen, it is hard because you have to struggle with yourself all the time. While at one end of the spectrum, you are motivating people, on the other end, you find yourself in need of motivation.

Anyway, for the past few months I was feeling insecure. In an organization like AIESEC that moves damn fast, it is rarely visible to you what good you have done for the organization. However, this weekend, while I was enjoying my new role as part of the Trainers Team, a delegate told me that he knew me by reputation and that people have been telling him that I did a great job last year. :)

It felt really good to hear that because it was unexpected and to be honest, I was in any case happy without that compliment. The comment just added some ice cream to my brownie (yum)!

So for all leaders out there, I know how it feels to feel lonely, insecure and to be in need of that validation that no one ever gives or if they do feel really empty. Whatever you feel it is normal. Just do not dwell on it. What is important is that when you write that autobiography of yours in ten or twenty years, you can honestly and happily say, "I may have had a tough life, but I have no regrets." :)

Seeing Scars

2007-11-01T16:46:00.000+02:00

Erica, Tomi and Hopsu (Spring 2007)

This picture was taken seven months ago. You would have not guessed but when this photo was taken I was fresh out of the hospital and was out of my luck. Back then, I had no prospect of a job, I felt alone and I was just plain sad.

Fast forward to now -- I am peaceful, hopeful and very much in tune with life.

It is true that nothing is temporary in this world and while looking at this picture I cannot even really imagine what was going on in my head back then. This person you now see seem so integral yet so separate from the person who is now dutifully typing on her keyboard. So much has changed since then. So much has been learned and so much has been re-learned.

However, though much has changed since then, I cannot help but wonder what if things were different, life did not feel so cruel or that I did not feel so weak. What if I were the person I am now back then? Would I have handled things differently?

While what I learned will forever remain in my heart, I know that my experience back then will forever leave a scar. As scars go, they do not really hurt all the time, bút when you look at it, you are reminded that once in your life you were wounded so deeply that it needed to leave a mark on you.

I know I am happy now but I also know that fundamentally, I am forever changed because of what happened in my recent past. While everything may have happened for a reason, these reasons seem to escape me when I look at the scars this experience has inflicted.

Yet, I am strong person. I have fought my battles and won the war. I am convinced of my goodness as a human being and even more convinced that I deserve a lot of good things. Yet, I am a different person and while I love the person I became, I realize that loving oneself is a constant process that needs dedication and understanding.

I accept that the scars of my life will remain etched in my soul. But in the end, who cares? It is better to have been scarred and still be thankful for being alive than to live a life of relative ease and feign in ignorance. I am who I am - no more, no less.

Trick and Treat

2007-10-29T14:56:00.000+02:00

BOO - Last Saturday, I went to a Halloween party as an elf. It was really nice to be there and pretend to be someone else actually. Granted that pretending to be an elf is really not glamorous, it was at least really funny. Anyway, no one guessed I was an elf. Instead they insisted I was William Tell. So I think I need to buy some elf ears for the next party.

Prince William at My Doorstep - Before I left thsi morning for work, there was a very weird picture of two boys on our mat. I picked it up and was already preparing for really sarcastic jokes to tell my flatmates about them subscribing to Prince William Magazine or something. Lo and behold, the joke was on me because Annika and Jani sent me a postcard with Harry and William (Haha! Yep, I call them without the title because I can) all the way from London. Oooh! Haha! I certainly laughed when I saw that.

In Control

2007-10-25T16:15:00.000+03:00

If I were to write my autobiography now, I do not think I would be very happy with the end result. While it is true, than in it would be loads of drama, comedic moments and existential ramblings, I am not sure I have lived to my potential as a human being.

I want the thesis of my autobiography to be that of success. When I look back at mu life, I want to realize that I was in control of it (with God´s help of course) and not helpless by life´s fickleness. It seems so obvious but sometimes I miss the point that yes, I am in control of my life.

I did not control the genes I got, the country I was born into, the pre-disposition I was meant to have and a lot of other things BUT I am in control of realizing my happiness, my worth and my potential. No longer am I self-loathing rather, I have learned to embrace who I am and who I can be. The road was rocky but it was worth treading on it if only for the future that lies ahead of me.

I am happy that my transformation has not been quick. It was arduously slow and sometimes painfully difficult. This way though, the lessons stick longer and the change more lasting.

The process is still going on. While for the most part, I am happy, I also feel a twinge of loneliness, of not belonging anywhere every so often. BUT I still feel peaceful knowing that I will be okay and that now I am a better person.

I am in control of my life and now at 16:25 on 25 October, I will start chasing the dreams I have kept in my heart. No longer will I make life´s randomness as an excuse, rather I will make it my reason to stay focused and determined to take hold of the life I have been blessed with.

No matter how crazy or weird people may think I am, no matter how I am seen as a loser and no matter how much I am looked down on, I am determined because I am in control of my life. :)

Over and out.

Aunt Once More

2007-10-24T12:40:00.000+03:00

My sister gave birth to a healthy and cute baby boy yesterday.

I am an aunt once more! :) Rafael is an addition to my many nieces and nephews being born one after another. I feel old! :)

Where is My Chick Flick?

2007-10-22T11:15:00.000+03:00

Sometimes, I think looking for "the one" is like looking for the most perfect kidney donor. Either you the other person is already dead or a bit crazy for allowing their kidneys to be given to someone. In any case, I feel it is almost impossible to find that person you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life.

It is especially hard since as I said (and you may have noticed) I am a bit weird. So finding "someone like me" is (for me) next to impossible. Of course, I can settle for someone else but since I started loving me more and more I cannot really settle for something less than what I feel is best for me.

How I wish I can write my own chick flick and make things move according to my vision. Unfortunately, since I have no way of doing magic, I need to settle with the reality that my chick flick may never happen or if it does it happens in the distant future.

In any case, I am happy and I know that´s what matters.

Manila is on Red Alert

2007-10-19T14:28:00.000+03:00

After a horrifying bombing around 13:30 Manila time inside a crowded and hugely popular mall in the business district, Manila was declared to be on red alert.

It has been a while since I have been really at home. I was there this summer but still the reality of the country never really hit me. I remember when I was 20, there were terrorist attacks left and right. One day a mall, the next day a theater, the next a train. I was gripped with fear but had to throw my fate to luck because in the end, nothing can really save you from becoming a victim by this sort of tragedies.

Though far away and it seems (or so I hope) that none of my family or friends were victimized, I am outraged and saddened by this ruthless act of violence. No one knows why this happened, who planted the bomb or why. People can surmise it to be terrorists other more conspiracy-laden theorists can say that this may have been done so that the current president (who is currently burdened with corruption accusations) can rightfully declare martial law and thus hold power for as long as she is able.

No matter what the cause is, the effect is the same -- a nation in fear, lives taken, people forever injured and families grieving.

Manila is on red alert.

Accounts of the bombing (and they sound really disturbing) can be found here: www.quezon.ph

I Like Me! Yey!

2007-10-17T12:08:00.001+03:00

Guess what? I really like me! :)

When one bad day becomes one bad year, it is easy to feel really crappy about yourself. However, I don´t really know what happened but yesterday, while talking to a friend, I realized that I like myself BUT (as always) I just have to accept that I am basically a misfit (i.e. I don´t really fit into any category).

For example, I go out every weekend. But I do not really fit into the clubgoing stereotype because (lo and behold) I go to church every week. Obviously, I do not fit into the churchgoing stereotype either since there are just some things about the institution I do not agree with.

I am obvously not Finnish because of how I see relationships but I am not really Filipino in a sense that I need my personal space a lot more than normal.

Well, I can go on and on and on of how there is no way I fit anywhere. Actually, I have always been in a world of my own since I was a kid. Instead of being an outcast though, I always ended up being popular. I guess it is because I was unapologetic at times and just happy with myself.

Anyway, I like myself! I like my life! I may never ever fit in this world but I am satisfied that crazy people like me still survive it. :)

Battling / Choosing / Winning / Losing

2007-10-16T11:29:00.000+03:00

One thing I am trying to keep in mind these days is to really learn the art of choosing my own battles. I think on any given day, we will encounter at least two situations or people which will just make our temperatures rise, our eyes to roll and our stress levels to rise. However, not in all circumstances should we choose to react. Sometimes, the best reaction is to not react.

There was a time when I felt like I was on a warpath, wanting to eliminate anything that impeded on my personal space. However, I have learned that there are battles just not worth fighting simply because it wastes your time and energy. Plus, it adds the likelihood that I will be very wrinkled in three years.

I do admit that it can be tough sometimes especially when hormones are getting in the way of much-needed grounded reason. However, wasted energy, negative feelings and harsh actions will only warrant what it deserves.

There are battles simply not meant to be fought: the rude person in the train, the annoying guy on the street, etc. It is wiser to keep your sanity for things that in the end are worth it -- just because it will help you become a better person.

Saturday Night Fever (Literally)!

2007-10-13T19:34:00.000+03:00

I have been having one of the best weekends I have had in ages. Granted I just came back from the hospital after experiencing some physical discomforts, I am happy that my body forced me to rest.

Anyway, there is no need to worry about my health. The doctor said my lab results were beautiful because I was normal (more than less). I just needed to rest and accept that being a woman means experiencing discomforts every now and then! I am really glad I decided to go to the hospital this time around. After two visits, I have given up on the medical system but since I knew that I would worry about my physical health the whole weekend, I decided it was wise to get a check-up. I am really glad that God blessed me with a woman doctor this time. I mean the differences in concern, attention and understanding (between men and women doctors) are so starking it made me vow that I would demand for women doctors, dentists, etc from now on.

Case in point: Last month I went to two doctors with the same symptom. All the doctors did was look at me, ask 1 question and sent me off to the lab for tests. This doctor, took time to listen to my symptoms, asked about my medical history and even acceded to my request for a blood test though it was unnecessary. I love it and I thank God for it!

Anyway, about being home for the weekend. I am actually happy I decided to skip all the parties and just spend quiet nights at home where I can pig out, enjoy a good book and try to clean my flat. I have not had this kind of weekend in almost half a year and I am so happy to just be home! I love it! I have been under a lot of stress, both real and imagined, lately that this was the thing I definitely needed to feel alive again. :)

Anyway, my energy is so strong that when I am in a bad mood, all bad things happen to me. When the mood is good, then lo and behold, blessings after blessings come. So in a way, stopping this weekend is just a sure way that I would go into the right direction. And I am certain, that I only want good things to happen to me. So universe, since you are listening, STOP and I mean STOP messing with me. :)

But anyway, moving on requires not looking back. And man, am I challenged with that. I just am very hard on myself in terms of forgetting about my sins from the past. I think it may be because of my upbringing that nothing goes unpunished or suffering is a good thing. Okay, that was the fundamental Catholic in me. But now, I would like to believe that I have progressed and actually learned that what is relevant is my personal relationship with the Dude up there. But old habits die hard (but they do die).

So as I re-energize myself this weekend, I also need to learn to continue learning something really essential in starting anew -- forgiving and loving myself. It has been a long and essentially challenging process so far. But so far, it has been worth it. When the time comes when I can say, I LOVE MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY AND VERY HEALTHILY (not overly selfish as people can be), I can only see myself smiling joyfully and thanking God, my friends and family and you for going on the journey with me. :)

Random Notes

2007-10-11T11:38:00.000+03:00

1. My therapist told me that people usually figure out who they are when they are 30. I think this is a bit sad since the BIG decisions in life are usually made before that -- career, marriage, friends. Maybe this is the reason why life feels such a big question mark most of the time. By the time you figure out what makes you tick -- you are either dying, stuck with a life you were not meant to have or just plain confused.

2. Give me confidence please. I seem to have tripped and LOST most of it. :( I know that for some this is hard to believe but trust me, it is 100% true! Argh!

3. Singing makes me happy. Speaking in public has the same effect on me. Should I try to be a singing/motivational speaker? Hmm.

To Do List

2007-10-10T17:44:00.000+03:00

I really have nothing to write here except that I have been quite busy lately. I have been working, doing some church stuff, meeting friends, exercising and reading.

I am not in tip top physical shape as I always seem to have some disease but anyway, I hope I get healed in time 100% completely.

I have been meeting new people as well and connecting with some of them. I have come to realize that I DO NOT NEED to be friends with all the people in this entire planet. Sometimes the best way to have friends is to make a few friends. I have been in the process of shortlisting the people whom I really want to keep into my life.

Anywho, my life is going up, up and away. :) I hope the upward trend continues in time for my birthday in December. After that, Gloria Gaynor´s I Will Survive will turn into a meaningful I HAVE SURVIVED. Ha! Try to beat that! ;)

Join Me....1,2,3...

2007-10-09T10:03:00.000+03:00

Am I a slow learner? Why do I make so much mistakes? Why do I not follow my gut feel when I clearly should have so I can avoid looking stupid and useless? Why oh why?

One more time, join me as I say: ARGH!